


Even though you're my best friend...

by Fangirlqueen87



Category: Emmerdale, robron
Genre: Best Friends, Happy Birthday Robert, M/M, Robert's 30th bday fic, alternative universe, i don't even know what this is
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-22
Updated: 2016-04-22
Packaged: 2018-06-03 20:11:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 26,293
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6624553
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fangirlqueen87/pseuds/Fangirlqueen87
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Robert gulped hard and shook his head before holding onto Aaron's shoulder,<br/>"I might just take you...you up on that deal." He said quickly, "This time...on my thirtieth birthday...if I'm not married yet...me and -and you...get hitched...screw what the world thinks...we'll be buddies forever with...a paper to prove it too." He said sluggishly again, stumbling on almost all the words.</p><p>Aaron gulped and smiled at Robert, he was so drunk he probably wouldn't even remember his own name by the morning, what was the harm?</p><p>"Deal." He whispered back.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Even though you're my best friend...

**Author's Note:**

> I don't even know what this is, an idea that just ran away with me...in celebration of Robert Sugden's 30th bday that was ignored by Emmerdale! I love Alternative Universe stuff so I hope you enjoy this <3333
> 
> Just to let you know: Aaron is a Dingle by name, Robert left for different reasons so none of the Max stuff happened and Katie and him were a no no, Aaron is out but hadn't had boyfriends and Jackson dosent exist in this at all!

**_ 19 _ **

 

Robert had just turned nineteen and was dumped again. He should have been used to it by now, his years of being a pretty pathetic boyfriend all round should have made his heart ache that little be less. But of course it didn't. Of course the fact that he let another 'nice' girl slip through his fingers managed to make him burn with anger and frustration. It was typical Robert Sugden behaviour by anyone's standards - especially Robert's father who had his fair bit to say about it all.

The usual slandering comments were spat and Robert was very much intent on drinking himself into a numbing oblivion. It was his birthday and he was spending it with no family, no girlfriend but at least he had Aaron.

Him and Aaron had been sworn enemies when they were younger, hated each other purely because of their families and the fact that the Dingles were seen as 'nothing more than the people who won't let us see Sarah'. Robert would always roll his eyes when his dad went on about the fact that his so called son knocked up a girl too young for a child. Robert was always interested in Aaron, interested was something he rarely felt but when he first began to talk to the younger boy he realised he was much more than sweat and car oil.

They had been friends for a couple of years now and Robert hated how badly he always depended on Aaron for things - Aaron was a closed book, kept himself to himself half the time but Robert couldn't bite his tongue when it came to his emotions and talking to Aaron. Usually he stayed mute when his dad was arguing with him or when Andy tried to rile him up but then he'd go straight to Aaron and clear his mind.

Robert was now drunk. Very drunk in fact and Aaron's seemed like the only logical place to go.

"AARON are you there?????" Robert shouted before covering his mouth and realising it was about nine o'clock and the neighbours would complain.

Aaron jolted from his head and looked down at Robert, letting out a small sigh before a smirk. Aaron was lucky to have a friend like Robert, one who would look out for him and make sure he was okay when no one else in his rather extensive family seemed to care. Of course Robert relied on Aaron but Aaron felt the same amount of reliance back, he just didn't show it and he liked keeping it that way.

"What are you playing at?" Aaron asked after pushing open his window.

"Can I come in?" Robert asked before stumbling forward. Aaron looked towards his bedroom door, no one was in as per usual - there was no harm.

"Fine then." Aaron whispered back before racing down the stairs and unlocking the door for Robert.

Aaron smiled at him and caught his breath the way he usually did whenever he saw Robert, he never really understood why but he did it anyway.

"Come on then." Aaron sighed before ushering Robert inside.

"She dumped me. On my birthday." Robert spat before lazily plopping himself on the sofa of Aaron's living room. Aaron sighed hard, he knew Robert's latest girl hadn't exactly been 'the one' but he thought it would have at least lasted longer than a few weeks. Aaron sat opposite Robert and shook his head as Robert covered his eyes, he hated seeing him that way - defeated and almost broken.

Robert was a dick half the time but the other half was filled with real love and kindness that only a few people had the pleasure of seeing. It was rare.

Aaron rested a hand on Robert's and then pulled it back again quickly, suddenly he felt ridiculously awkward because after all this time he still felt like Robert judged him whenever they grazed hands. Aaron was gay and proud (half the time) and Robert knew about it. When they first started being friends he got all the teasing and laughing from the kids at school about having a crush on 'the Sugden magnet'.

The nickname deriving from the sheer amount of girls that surrounded Robert for most of his time at school. Robert never talked about Aaron being gay or about the teasing he got for them being friends but he did stand up for him like no one else ever had. He made the bullies sweat and scarper within a blink of an eye and Aaron was grateful, always grateful.

"She...she I mean...it's my fucking birthday..." Robert said before slapping his hands down towards his thighs. It had been the shitiest birthday Robert had ever actually had. Victoria was away on some trip with her school so she wasn't around to wish him a happy day, Andy was off with Katie God knows where and his dad was all too busy to actually sit down and have a nice meal with him.

His girlfriend - Jennifer had come round with a card and an explanation as to why she wanted to 'see other people'. Robert hadn't really liked her that much in the first place but she made his dad happy because she was very much a 'nice' girl as he liked to call her. Robert foolishly continued his relationship whilst not really feeling anything for her, but he was trying and then she had to ruin it all.

The sudden realisation that he had literally just walked into Aaron's house when he wasn't even invited dawned on Robert and he squirmed whilst wondering if Chas or anyone else was in.

"Shit...Aaron is your...sorry I -" Robert mumbled before trying to raise to his feet, his balance was so off that he crashed back down almost immediately.

"No ones here..." Aaron mumbled before turning to Robert. "Whilst you're here..." he darted across the room and then back again, forcing a card and present towards Robert that made him smile "Happy birthday," he whispered.

Robert unwrapped the present clumsily before smiling up at Aaron. No one had got Robert a present, not even his so called fucking dad, apparently twenty quid and a promise of a pint in the pub was enough. It was a small box, inside a pair of black trainers that Robert had been banging on about for ages. Aaron had listened and remembered of course, he always was good at that. "Cheers," he whispered.

"You didn't nick em did you?" He added causing Aaron to pull a face.

"No I did not." Aaron snapped before hitting Robert softly on the arm.

"Seriously...you didn't need to-"

"Piss off it's your birthday..." Aaron smiled. "And you've left school now so..."

Aaron bit down on his lip and turned away, Robert had left school a few weeks ago after finishing whatever course he was doing at his sixth form attached to Aaron's secondary school. He was only three years younger than him but the space between them was always so obvious and almost cruel, Robert had now left and the space was only going to grow.

"So she dumped you then..." Aaron whispered quickly after a few minutes of comfortable silence as Robert admired the trainers.

"Yeah...cow." Robert mumbled back before shaking his head "God I was really trying..."

"What do you mean trying?"

"Trying to make it work, make me feel you know..." Robert sighed before rubbing his head, the alcohol was taking its toll.

"Robert you shouldn't have to try, that stuff should come naturally." Aaron said quickly, "Anyways she wasn't right for you -" He said before stopping and realising it really wasn't his place.

"What do you mean she wasn't right for me?"

Aaron bit down on his lip as he thought about Jennifer. He had only seen her twice and on both occasions she seemed more interested in the village then Robert himself, but then again she was charming and sweet and looked as though butter wouldn't melt.

Aaron had his reservations but the Sugdens all loved her and Robert seemed happy enough. She was almost the opposite of him, just like all the others she seemed too 'good' and too 'kind' and everything that Robert's family asked for. Aaron hadn't told Robert about what he thought, he valued their friendship too much for that and in the past his opinions had only caused disagreements. In Aaron's mind, no girl was ever good or right enough for Robert.

"She...was too good for you, too nice."

"Ch...charmingggg." Robert said sluggishly leaning forward.

Aaron pulled a face and squirmed as Robert pushed himself back again.

"I didn't mean it like that -"

Aaron sighed softly as he watched Robert wave his arm out. He wasn't angry.

"You're...right, I only went with her to...t-to prove that I can be you know...dad was happy." Robert pushed his arm out again and Aaron reached out and grabbed it.

"Screw 'em...I'm gonna do what makes me happy from...from now on." Robert said defiantly.

He was drunk but still could see how wide Aaron's eyes appeared and the way he was suddenly nervous around him. He had noticed it before in the past and it always made him question how Aaron felt but to approach his gay private friend about his feelings when he could have just been misreading the signs was a grave mistake in Robert's book. The thought of Aaron lashing out and calling him all sorts for even asking him if he felt something was enough to make Robert push the thought deep down. But now drunk and self absorbed Robert rested his hand on Aaron's without a second thought.

"The...that's the spirit Sugden," Aaron said nervously as he felt Robert's hand on his own. It sent a tingling feeling through him and it made his heart leap like always, he felt like a fool for even feeling such a way about his older more outgoing and let's not forget straighter than straight ladies man friend - but he couldn't help it at all.

Robert shook his head slowly and suddenly the thought of this being his life made his stomach churn. Would he always be like this? Always having girlfriends, new ones every other week as he struggles through life watching Andy happily married and Victoria finding her Prince Charming. Even Aaron would meet someone, fall in love and be happy - his best mate would be finally happy and that made him smile because he was always such a grumpy git and with good reason considering the amount of stick he got for being out and proud about who he was. Robert's mind swirled and then his thought went straight back to the idea of simply having spurts of fun and then months of loneliness until the next one came along. It was scary.

"I'm always gonna be like this...I'm always going to...it scares me..."

Aaron leaned towards Robert, "What does?" He whispered trying to understand.

"It...the thought of...being alone..." Robert sighed hard "I'm gonna be one of them men who are unmarried and unloved at thirty." He continued.

Aaron didn't understand what he was feeling but his hands were now cupping Robert's face and pushing it up, "Listen to me Suggers...you're not gonna be on your own...ever. You've got me...and I'll marry ya if no one else will." He blurted out before pulling his hands away and staring wide eyed desperately hoping that Robert had not heard a word of what he had just said.

He didn't even manage to filter the last bit out from his words, it all had just come flooding out messily.

Robert chuckled. Aaron was always there to make him smile when he felt like shit. He was always kind and sensitive with his problems, always on hand to listen to his crap at three in the morning despite the fact that he had his own problems going on - he was a Dingle at the end of the day. He was the most selfless person Robert had ever met in his life, the statement was just another example - right?

"Is that even _legal_ mate..." Robert laughed as he watched Aaron blush.

"I'm only messing," Aaron whispered before pulling himself back and feeling like such a stupid fool for making things seem awkward between them. He could hardly look Robert in the eye.

Robert rolled his eyes and smiled at Aaron, he suddenly caught hold of his hoddie and pulled him closer, "I...I love you...Aaron," he mumbled softly causing Aaron to instantly pull back and clear his throat. The words were honest and true and Robert was far too drunk to realise that it may have been a bit too much, a bit too full on maybe. He was open about almost everything with Aaron but being all deep and mushy was something neither of them appreciated. He did love Aaron though, he did. He loved lots of things about him, the way he listened, the way he cared, the way he was always there.

Aaron didn't know what to do or say, all he really knew was that his heart was pounding out of his chest and he didn't really know the reason why, not exactly anyways. He loved Robert too, he always had but to say he had a crush...that was taking it too far. As if 'I love you too' was more acceptable then whatever he really felt inside.

Robert gulped hard and shook his head before holding onto Aaron's shoulder, "I might just take you...you up on that deal." He said quickly, "This time...on my thirtieth birthday...if I'm not married yet...me and-and you...get hitched...screw what the world thinks...we'll be buddies forever with a paper to prove it too," he said sluggishly again, stumbling on almost all the words.

Aaron gulped and smiled at Robert, he was so drunk he probably wouldn't even remember his own name by the morning, what was the harm?

"Deal." He whispered back.

 

 

**_ 21 _ **

 

Robert was calling it 'The Big Reunion' and it was making Aaron cringe all over. It was Robert's birthday and after months of lousy phone calls, Aaron and him had managed to actually see each other again. Robert was completely overwhelmed with happiness to see Aaron again after so long. After his nineteenth birthday night things turned slightly sour for Robert at home and before Aaron had the chance to sway his best friend he was up and gone from one day to the next. Aaron had been completely crushed and it was the thing that made him realise that he was experiencing something along the lines of heartbreak. As if he had just been dumped, he felt exactly how Robert described after his relationships failed.

Aaron had stayed angry for a very long time after that and even Victoria explaining why Robert left didn't manage to sway him or make him feel less mad at the boy who was supposed to be his best friend. He didn't understand why he never said goodbye and it still hurt him deeply. The days leading up to Robert's birthday the next year were hardly nice, Aaron always felt a tight knot in his stomach as he thought about what Robert would be doing.

The no contact thing was never his idea, Robert had started it the minute he left without a word of warning. But now Robert was saying sorry and texting him on a new phone, two years later asking him if he was free to get some drinks for his birthday and of course Aaron was saying yes as if nothing had ever happened at all. His desire to see Robert had outweighed his anger. He wanted to tell Robert about what he had been up to, and with whom. He felt the need to tell him about Liam - his first real proper grown up boyfriend that he was very proud of. At the start he was scrutinised and compared to Robert by Aaron over and over again until he realised that there was no point in doing that and if he wanted Robert back in his life then he would have to get his head out of the clouds. In many ways he was very different to Robert, he was laid back and chilled and according to Chas 'everything he needed'.

There he was, standing outside some pub slap bang in the middle of Yorkshire when his eyes fell on Robert's and he was smiling.

"Long time no see," Aaron said before launching into a huge bear hug and making Robert instantly remember how good he felt in his arms.

"Yeah...I'm so sorry. My heads been a fucking mess -"

Aaron instantly admired Robert's shorter hair and sharper eyes, he looked older.

"For two years?" Aaron snapped quickly.

"Yeah I know...but I'm fine now and I just -"

"Just what?" Aaron shrugged his shoulders.

Robert hated how Aaron seemed angry, angry on his birthday. But he couldn't ignore the softens in his eyes and the loose curls of his hair. His eyes were big and blue and Robert was staring deep into them.

"I've missed out on stuff, how's school...?" Robert asked lamely trying to find common ground.

"I've finished school Robert. Still living with me mam but Liam and I-"

"Liam?" Robert said bitterly, he didn't like the taste of it in his mouth at all.

Aaron nodded his head realising that he had said too much and now he could hardly back out, "Yeah my boyfriend."

Robert didn't know why, he didn't understand why the word 'boyfriend' made him seethe but it certainly did. In the past the thought of Aaron being happy with someone made him smile but now it was the fact that it was with someone else that was making him feel sick.

"Wow...that's...I'm happy for you." Robert said forcing a smile.

He was far from fucking happy.

"Happy birthday then." Aaron said before clicking their bottles together, "What made you want to meet then?"

Robert shrugged his shoulders, "Missed ya...could hardly go back to the village when I wanted to-"

"You could have stayed near by, I could have met you last year for your birthday, or for mine. I'm eighteen now. Big boy." Aaron was snapping and he was feeling himself get more frustrated so he pulled back.

"I know. Like I said...I was an idiot." Robert mumbled before thinking back to his birthday last year, even shitier than his nineteenth one. He has sat at a bar for the majority of the night and then bumped into an ex who still seemed interested enough to fuck him despite the fact that he screwed her over more than once. He had thought of Aaron when he found himself with her, laying with her and kissing her hair - his mind was on Aaron and he couldn't help but tell himself that it was a sick weird fucking coincidence.

"So where's your latest conquest then?" Aaron sighed before smiling as Robert pulled a 'how did you know?' face.

"Probably with her mates, she's a chatty one." Robert said before rolling his eyes and mimicking her with his hands.

"She got a name?" Aaron asked quickly. He said it without holding back because in all honesty his mind was swirling with thoughts about the fact that Robert still seemed to be having fun. Aaron was in a committed relationship at eighteen years old and Robert seemed to be doing what he liked a twenty one. Shit.

"Ruby." Robert said dryly before rolling his eyes again. She was gorgeous and talented, an aspiring actress who always wore red lipstick. But that was about it, no substance but Robert didn't mind at all.

"And you're very much in love...?" Aaron said sarcastically.

Robert scoffed, "I don't believe in that shit."

"Sorry?"

"Love. I mean I've never been in love...not ever...I don't think I'm the sort to fall in love with anyone." Robert said before playing with his beer bottle and avoiding Aaron's eyes that screamed 'seriously?'. It was true though, anyone he had been romantically involved with had never reached a level higher than fondness. Never admiration and of course never actual real love the way people described it.

"Of course you will be!" Aaron yelled suddenly feeling overwhelmed with a weird feeling that was travelling through him, it was like a sharp pain that managed to make him feel queasy. The thought of his conversation with Robert that night two years ago made him feel light headed, he had promised Robert he wouldn't ever be alone and the fact that Robert was now resigned to the fact that he would never be in love made Aaron doubt that he would ever be stupid enough to marry anyone.

"Do you love Liam?" Robert asked plainly struggling to understand how someone truly loved was something that made his knuckles turn white.

Aaron chewed on his lip, the short answer was no. He didn't feel what he should have felt - not yet anyway, not the way people looked back and thought about their first love. But maybe that was because he already had his first love currently sitting opposite him.

Aaron shrugged his shoulders, "Well no...not really...not yet anyways."

"How do you know if you'll ever?"

"You don't Robert but you have to take the risk sometimes, not just settle for the next one who comes along." Aaron said before holding back, he didn't mean to sound rude.

Robert raised his eyebrows, "Robert Sugden will never settle." He said defiantly.

"Fine, but I'm sure one day some one will come along and..." Aaron suddenly stopped and looked away, the thought made him sad and he felt awful for feeling that way. The thought of Robert meeting someone and loving them was something that wasn't a happy thing and that was wrong on so many different levels.

"I've never told someone I love them..." Robert sighed hard before pulling away.

Aaron instantly thought back to Robert's nineteenth birthday when he uttered the words so effortlessly.

' _I...I love you...Aaron._ '

"You've told me." Aaron blurted out before kicking himself as he watched Robert tried to hide his blush. As always he was fucking things up and making them awkward.

Robert tried his hardest to remember exactly when he must have told Aaron, it most likely happened when he was drunk and soppy but the thought made his heart flutter just a tiny bit because he had told Aaron he loved him and Aaron had remembered and that must have meant something. Robert found himself smiling and quickly cleared his throat as he watched Aaron turn away shyly.

"Not like that. Not friends -" Robert said before regretting adding the friends part and watching as Aaron nodded his head and scoffed.

"I know, forget I mentioned it." Aaron blabbed quickly.

Aaron was finding himself back into the habit of hearing about Robert's stories whilst he was away and all the things he got up to and he was loving every minute of it. He had his best mate back and despite the distance, they seemed to simply slot back together again. Suddenly Liam caught Aaron's eyes from across the bar, Liam - Aaron's boyfriend who made him laugh and smile and...

Who now had his mouth wrapped around some blokes face. Great.

Aaron felt his heart racing as he tried to register what was going on, he felt so fucking embarrassed and he could feel the angry tears forming, Robert hadn't noticed and he was glad. He didn't want Robert to see his boyfriend kissing someone else. Cheating on him so public all without a care in the world, it made him feel sick.

Robert frowned as he watched Aaron almost crumble on the seat opposite him.

"Is everything alright...?" Robert whispered before leaning in and seeing Aaron's tears fall messily. He was simply staring in the direction of the bar and letting the tears fall. Robert gulped hard, he didn't know how to react. He hadn't ever seen Aaron cry so suddenly, usually he knew the reasons beforehand and he would be expecting it. But now he was practically shaking with anger and he couldn't help but want to reach out for him.

Aaron turned away from his cheating ass boyfriend and back to Robert before suddenly rising to his feet and nodding his head, "Look sorry I've got to go...happy birthday mate...ill see you soon alright..." Aaron said before racing out of the bar and towards the toilets. He was sick, really fucking sick and feeling like shit because his perfect boyfriend, his boyfriend who managed to distract him from whatever fucked up feelings he felt for his best friend had cheated on him.

Robert suddenly looked towards the bar and saw a tall man sliding his hands round another man's neck and kissing him passionately on the lips. He looked older than Aaron but almost instantly Robert realised that he was this new boyfriend Liam and it made his stomach churn. He knew that he wasn't right for Aaron, a part in his mind just told him and now he had proof and he felt alive with it - burning with the desire to go and give the prick a piece of his mind Robert walked across the bar and approached Liam.

"You Liam?" Robert said practically seething because he was now remembering the look on Aaron's face, and the tears - the fucking tears that feel because of the stupid bastard who obviously wasn't the man he thought he was.

Liam turned round slowly, instantly Robert realised he was probably off his face and too drunk to pay attention.

"Wha...what's it to you?" Liam slurred his words and the man he was just snogging seemed to back away.

"I'm you boyfriend's best mate. Robert." Robert said sternly moving towards Liam and feeling sick with anger.

Liam chuckled, "Funny...he's never mentioned you before."

Maybe it was the fact that it all seemed funny for Liam or the fact that he didn't seemed to give a fuck or even the realisation that Aaron probably hadn't told his boyfriend about him at all, that that part in his life was a closed book titled 'Robert' shut the minute Robert left the village - maybe it was all of the above, but suddenly Robert was launching a fist to his jaw and knocking him back.

The lover boy on the side raced down towards the floor to pick Liam up but he was still swirling his words around and saying shit about Aaron that was only riling Robert up even more.

"You stay away from him do you hear me." Robert spat as Liam got to his feet again.

"A-Aaron will...he-he can make his own mind up -"

Robert went to walk away because he was really angry now, thinking about the possibility that Aaron would welcome him back was making him feel sick again.

"You don't deserve someone as good and decent as him, you should fucking love the bones of him -" he said before pulling back because what would have come next completely scared the shit out of him to the point where he was shaking.

Robert suddenly walked away and picked up his drink before downing it in one and shaking his head.

"Happy fucking twenty first Sugden." He muttered as he waited for a taxi to take him back to his dinky flat.

Aaron smiled, leaning against the bathroom as butterflies exploded in his stomach because he had heard every single word.

 

  
**_ 23 _ **

 

' _Robert, it's Victoria you have to come back, it's dad...'_

Robert was out of control and off his face most nights before he heard the news. Ruby was old news, Aaron was busy with his own life and he had secluded himself from the village.

But then he heard and everything froze in time.

His dad had died suddenly, no warning, no illness before - just one day he was there, the next he was gone. He died on a Wednesday and Victoria only managed to contact him on the Thursday night, he resented how much space he had put between them after he left.

The thought of his little baby sister struggling to find him again made him feel like even more shit.

 

He found out after a night out, he came back and saw he had a voice mail from his sister. It was two in the morning and he sat there, completely numb to the gravity of the situation at hand. He didn't cry, he didn't sit there and weep, he just simply held his phone to his ear and replayed the message over and over again until it was engraved in his mind.

The next day he was back in Emmerdale fucking village with the same small cottages and the Woolpack and the garage and the cafe. Everything was the same. Robert had tried to contact Aaron but he had no reply and wondered if he was still even in the village. They of course had grown distant again after his twenty first. Aaron had told him he had dumped the bloke who had cheated on him and Robert was grateful but after that things went a bit sour again partly due to a disagreement about a girl Robert was seeing who Aaron said was 'just like Katie'.

Robert resented him for months until he finally broke up with her as he realised the similarities and the fact that he was subconsciously still trying to please a dad he hadn't seen in years. The last time he had spoke to Aaron was on his birthday, when Aaron had turned twenty and he had given him a message telling him that he wished he could be there to celebrate with him.

He desperately wanted to, he needed a good catch up with the bloke he still called his best mate but of course his Katie look alike had booked them tickets to some band he talked about once that she suddenly thought were his favourite. The gesture was loving and he couldn't turn it down but it didn't go too well with Aaron who realised what his alternatives plans were.

Victoria took his breath away, taller and wiser and redder in the face than he had remembered. She held onto him tightly and instantly he felt the need to push back his emotions, he still hadn't cried, he still felt numb and now seeing his sister pour her heart out made him even more determined to keep it that way. He had to be there for her. Andy and Katie stayed with each other and only offered Robert sympathetic smiles once in a while whilst that sat and talked about the funeral arrangements and 'what Jack would have wanted'

"He would have wanted me as far away as fucking possible Diane." Robert spat out suddenly raising the volume of the conversation up a notch.

Robert thought back to how desperately he felt the need to leave the village that night. The way his dad had bombarded him with insults about where his life was going and how he would try and 'be more like Andy'. It was the last straw and Robert was out of the village a few minutes later leaving behind his sister and Aaron and firm in the knowledge that he would never be enough for his dad.

"Of course not Robert, he loved you..." Diane said firmly before wiping her tears away.

Robert wasn't angry and so didn't feel the need to tell Diane she was really wrong about what she thought.

Victoria looked towards Robert as he sat at the bar and suddenly her eyes were wide with shock as she looked over at a small card on the side.

"Robert, it's your birthday! You idiot why didn't you say?" Victoria exclaimed.

Robert sighed hard and shook his head, he hadn't even thought about it.

"I dunno...not really had the chance."

"I was going to send you that...twenty three." Victoria said before ruffling his hair and making him chuckle.

"I'm sorry...it took me so long to tell -" Victoria whispered before shaking her head "I even tried Aaron but-"

Robert suddenly looked up and frowned, "Aaron?" so he was still around, people still knew him and talked to him.

"Yeah...but you know he's been away so..." Victoria sighed hard before walking towards the bar again and pouring someone a drink, leaving Robert to wonder where he was.

It was raining, pretty fucking hard and it was depressing the hell out of Robert. His blue suit he had worn to show Diane that he was a big boy now, was drenched from the weather which was only worsening his mood. He didn't dare go back inside though, he hated how he felt about hearing people call his dad 'a great, fair man' when he didn't have the pleasure of seeing that side as often as others did. He saw the angry and frustrated side of his father, and he resented the fact that he bought that side out of him. He made him that way.

He was standing by the old cricket pavilion and thinking about it all. Thinking about the fact that he didn't have any parents left made him feel like shit, but he still didn't cry - still couldn't.

"Mind if I join you?"

Robert turned round and smiled towards the voice, Aaron was smiling back weakly. He was wearing a nice white shirt and a pair of black trousers with a matching black coat. He looked so smart and put together compared to the shit state Robert found himself in, it was hard to believe he was only twenty.

Robert nodded his head and suddenly sat back on a bench, making space for Aaron as smiling softly as he sat next to him and rested a hand on his back.

"I'm so fucking sorry Robert." Aaron said, he had tears in his eyes and guilt in his heart because he hadn't talked to Robert for months. He was too busy on some mechanic course to even answer Victoria's messages and he hadn't even linked the fact that it could have been about Robert when he saw them.

He was so wrapped up in himself and it hurt. His mum had told him that morning, pretty causally over the phone and he had taken some time off of his course to head straight back to the village. He didn't even know if Robert was going to be there but the thought of comforting him was just overwhelming.

Robert sniffed softly as he saw how deeply Aaron cared. He was practically crying and he had no need to. He didn't like Jack very much considering the amount of shit Robert told him and he wasn't family - yet he was still so upset.

"It's okay...we were hardly close eh." Robert sighed hard as he watched the rain falling.

Aaron nodded his head slowly "So how have you been then?" He asked suddenly desperately trying to ignore the situation he found himself in.

"Me?" Aaron said quickly causing Robert to nod "I've been fine...on some...some mechanic course...for the past few months."

Robert nodded and smiled at his best friend, so soft and gentle with his words.

"That's good."

"Pretty boring actually." Aaron smiled trying to make out that he hadn't done anything too exciting recently.

"Yeah well...I ended it with Poppy. The Katie one." Robert said bluntly.

Aaron raised his eyebrows but then nodded softly not wanting to draw any attention to it or say I told you so, it wasn't the time.

The rain was growing louder and Robert was growing restless and in need of a drink.

"We should get back." Aaron mumbled seeing Robert's face.

Robert suddenly felt the need to say something to keep them in that moment, he realised that he was with his best friend and he could tell him pretty much anything.

"I don't know how to feel." Robert said honestly.

"What do you mean?" Aaron asked.

"About dad...about him dy-" Robert whispered before stopping, he suddenly found it difficult saying the words. He had heard it about ten times that day but now, saying it...

He was a mess, from one minute to the next he was balling, trembling into Aaron who was keeping him up straight like he knew he would. His best friend who was always there for him, despite everything Robert knew that and it made his heart skip a beat. He still relied on him, he was still that teenager who had too many problems to count and who would always turn to someone else. Well not someone, Aaron.

"Shhh...hey it's okay...shh," Aaron was always so much better at the emotional shit than he gave himself credit. He was holding onto Robert fully and supporting him in a way they never had done before and it only felt natural and pure.

Robert looked up towards Aaron after a few minutes, "I hated him, but I loved him Aaron...he was my dad...and I won't ever have the chance to even try and make things right." He mumbled, as he felt the tears roll. He hadn't been able to cry like this, so openly in front of anyone.

"He knew Rob...he knew you loved him and that's what matters," Aaron whispered as he rubbed his shoulder softly. "I told you that you wouldn't ever be on your own, remember? And I won't...but don't push your family aside because of this okay. They need you, and you need them."

Robert nodded his head slowly. God he was always so fucking right and true and honest wasn't he.

"God...you're so..." Robert leaned forward and cupped Aaron's face, he was smiling back at him trying to hide the feelings bursting out, "So  _right_ all the time, you're always there for me...despite everything." Aaron smiled shyly, "I...I _love_ you Aaron." It was there again, clear as day and as honest as it could have been.

Aaron could have been an idiot, he could have ruined things and made the moment awkward by closing his eyes and leaning in, making things horribly complicated but he didn't. Instead he nodded his head shyly and felt himself almost put a wall up between them, making sure the line wasn't crossed.

"Happy birthday Robert." Aaron whispered before pulling out a card and small box from his pocket, Robert was smiling and although it was raining he felt as though there wasn't a cloud in his sky - Aaron had remembered, of course he had remembered.

  
**_ 25 _ **

 

_'Happy birthday dear Robert, happy birthday to you!'_

Victoria had made him a cake of course she had and now she was singing to him too, Jesus Christ.

Robert was twenty five and somewhat stable in his life, he was back in touch with his family and of course he had a girl on his arm too. It was relatively normal affair to start and a bit of Robert hated that fact. It was almost like he craved a bit of chaos and suddenly Aaron's words echoed in his head, the way he had always told him that he would hate a boring life.

He was twenty five for god sakes not fifty so why did he feel so damn...grounded into place.

After his dad died, Aaron had been amazing and so ridiculously selfless that it almost made his heart ache. Aaron had stayed in the village and helped him for those first few weeks, helping Robert really come to terms with his loss. It took time, but after a while things got better. Robert built bridges with Andy and Katie, and got to know his little sister properly - all the while being supported by Aaron.

But that changed suddenly when he overheard Chas pressuring Aaron to take up the course of his dreams, a contract for a car dealer ship in Germany for six months. Apparently Aaron had been putting it off for days, telling them he needed time to think and suddenly he realised that Aaron was thinking about selflessly turning down the offer because of him, because Robert needed him. It didn't take long for Robert to set Aaron straight.

"You need to take up that job offer in Germany -" Robert mumbled over a pint with Aaron.

"What? How do -"

"Listen to me, your my best mate and you deserve to do what you love...take it...get out of here and do my proud mate." Robert said before finishing his pint and trying to hide his disappointment.

Aaron nodded his head confirming that he would agree but then sighed hard.

"It's really felt like...like -"

"Old times?" Robert finished his sentence because he just knew what Aaron was going to say and he couldn't help but agree. They had spent practically whole days with each other, laughing and messing around as if they were kissed again without a care in the world. Robert loved how Aaron made him feel, so young, so youthful and free.

"Yeah...I'll miss you..." Aaron said shyly before raising to his feet.

Robert gulped hard and suddenly felt a sharp pain travel through him, "Ditto." He simply said.

"Come on then, help me pack..." Aaron sighed as Robert followed him towards his bedroom.

Six months had gone by. Aaron's birthday passed, and Robert had heard nothing from his so called best mate. Nothing at all, despite the fact that he thought things would still remain the same between them - their friendship growing stronger if anything. Yet the time and space apart had only showed Robert that Aaron was capable of doing exactly what he done when he left the village and had no contact with him whatsoever. Robert tried his hardest to tell himself that Aaron was having a good time without him but it was so bitter.

He had bought a small outside of the village on the whim, in hope of surprising Aaron when he returned, maybe even offering for them to live together and be the buddies he often talked about that made Aaron cringe all over.

It was now his twenty fifth birthday and things had certainly changed, for starters Aaron had now been gone for about eight months but the updates from Chas had lessened that small part of him that somehow thought he was in trouble. He felt like a prick for thinking up all these dramatic scenarios as to why Aaron wouldn't be contacting him - when in reality, he may have just not really wanted to speak to him all that much. Especially after dealing with him being an emotional cry baby for nearly a year after his dad died, Aaron was probably thankful for the break.

He had met a girl - Millie, one with a tad more fire in her that made Robert smile and Diane raise her eyebrows. At first Robert had that moment where he wondered if she was 'the one' but then the feeling faded, that edge she had about her melted away and soon it was 'I love you Robert' replacing 'fuck me, I don't care'. It had grossed Robert out, but not enough to leave her - never enough to be alone.

He was back in the village for his birthday, listening to Victoria sing him happy birthday surrounded by his family but there was still a gaping hole missing from the event and it didn't take Victoria long to realise.

"I'd say this was one of your most relaxing birthdays yet..." Victoria said smiling and leaning over the bar to kiss her brother on the cheek.

Robert was thinking about Aaron, he wasn't listening but he nodded all the while.

"Would have been a bit better if you know...Aaron was here though eh?" Robert lifted his head up and stared at his sister who just had this weird sisterly power thing that made it possible for her to read his mind. He was sulking about him not being around but he didn't think it was that obvious.

Victoria was smiling even bigger as she watched Robert sigh and agree with her and then Robert felt a pair of strong arms squeeze down on his shoulders and inhaled as musky scene that reminded him of...

"Aaron _fucking_ Dingle!" Robert launched of his seat and looked round to Aaron. He looked fitter, his hair longer and his smile wider - donning a tan that instantly told him Germany wasn't the only place he had visited.

"Long time no see pal." Aaron said before moving towards Robert and hugging onto him tightly, for a minute closing his eyes and forgetting anyone else was around.

Robert pulled away first and had to stare at Aaron for a few seconds to wonder if he was really there. Victoria didn't seem at all shocked and instantly Robert realised she was probably behind it.

"Did you know he was coming?"

Victoria pulled a face that made Aaron laugh, "Maybe...happy birthday!" She cheered.

Robert couldn't hide his fat grin, despite the small bit of anger burning inside, Aaron was back and Robert wondered if this was how Aaron would have felt on his twenty first, when he hugged him then spat angry words, just a mixture of feelings.

Aaron dragged Robert out to Hotten, determined to have a decent catch up and explain why he hadn't been in touch. At first Robert feared the worst again and wondered if Aaron had got into any shit but Aaron soon put him right.

"Listen...so I was in Germany and then I met this guy..." Aaron started off once they had drinks in their system and felt slightly looser.

Robert rolled his eyes - of course a guy was the reason behind the sourness of their friendship just like girls were too. Everyone really put a barrier between them.

"...We got on, we fucked..." Aaron was continuing his story but Robert was suddenly feeling hot under the collar, Aaron had definitely got more confident whilst he was away. He wasn't that shy boy who left, he was much more comfortable talking about the boys he fucked on his holidays and it should have made Robert proud of his younger friend but it didn't. It made him feel sick, hearing Aaron talk about sleeping with someone else. Randoms.

"Are you even listening to me Robert?" Aaron asked as he watched Robert staring at his beer bottle, seemingly day dreaming.

Robert pulled his head up suddenly making the blood rush to his head, "Yeah course carry on..."

Aaron nodded his head and took a sip of his drink, "The next minute I knew he was offering me a free ticket to Spain. He was from there and he was doing this travelling thingy with a group of lads....I could hardly turn it down."

Robert thought about what Aaron was saying and it didn't sound like Aaron. Not his Aaron. His Aaron didn't jet of somewhere with a random just for the sake of it, he wasn't spontaneous or wild like that. Robert bit his lip realising his Aaron had probably been torn apart whilst he was away, whilst time went on. Aaron had become the man Robert always wanted to be, free, happy, a bit wild but still having a fierce love and protection for people. Robert suddenly resented everything, resented the fact that they were now so different, the fact there Robert was seemingly happy that morning and now felt like shit because his life compared to Aaron's seemed pretty fucking dull and that word was creeping up again...grounded. Shit.

"What and you couldn't tell me?" Robert spat abruptly causing Aaron to shake his head.

"It wasn't like that..." Aaron mumbled.

"Don't worry I get it, you were having a good enough time." Robert said trying to plaster a smile on his face, he didn't want to make Aaron feel too guilty.

"So what was this guy's name then?" Robert slurred, he was so on his last pint, anymore and he would be doing silly things.

"Luca." Aaron said smiling as he thought about him, fond memories that he was grateful he had.

"Must have been nice, travelling with your boyfriend." Robert giggled, wondering about the great time they must have had together.

 There it was again, that feeling. He was sure it was envy, jealousy but he wouldn't actually say that.

Aaron suddenly let his smile fall and his face squirmed, "Yeah well for the majority it was brilliant."

"What do you mean?" Robert asked leaning forward and ignoring any private space Aaron probably wanted.

"Turns out...he was married. To a woman." Aaron said dryly causing Robert to almost choke on his drink.

"Shut the fuck up!" Robert shouted making people around them pull a face.

"Yeah well...apparently being a raging homosexual in a very religious catholic town was pretty unheard of so...he got married to this girl Maria and then legged it off to Germany where he met me." Aaron found the whole thing funny now, looking back at how panicked Luca was and the way Maria reacted.

"What actually happened, did it all kick off?" Robert said eagerly, he didn't know why but hearing about Aaron's disastrous end to his relationship made him feel pretty fucking good, how messed up was that?

"His parents sorta came into town and saw us..." Robert raised his eyebrows, "No not like that...we were in same bar, a gay one apparently and well word got round..."

"Shit." Robert said dryly as he watched Aaron sigh.

"So it turned out that in fact I was his gay best friend from England and he had no clue that bar was a gay one. Maria believed him and so did his parents and well...I was sent packing wasn't I." He said now adding a level of sadness to his voice because he remembered just how easily he was tossed aside once things got too much.

Robert gulped hard feeling nothing but anger for his best friend who not only was being lied to by another prick but was actually now being pushed away and selflessly taking ownership of shit to spare someone else.

"Happy days..." Aaron added sarcastically as he rolled his eyes.

"What a prick. Making you be the gay best friend 'cos he couldn't admit to how he felt, 'cos he was too much of a coward to just be fucking honest..."

Aaron scoffed before looking at Robert and then back to his pint in front of him. Was he for fucking real?

"Yeah, well I'm used to that." Aaron let out before sighing and shaking his head, God he had got stronger and more confident but still he couldn't help but make things awkward between them, he still couldn't help but catch his breathe like he did when they were kids. Somethings just never changed, maybe they couldn't.

Robert blushed bright red as he realised what Aaron was trying to say. He was talking about him and the fact that Aaron had served as his best friend for years now, when there was always this...unspoken feeling between them that maybe started with an L and ended with an E. It was common knowledge that they felt that way about each other but Robert still struggled to determine if it was that feeling he said he'd never feel.

"Always the best friend you eh...always the bridesmaid...never the bride..." Robert giggled, shit he was getting pretty drunk.

Aaron rolled his eyes, "Basically..."

"Well you'll be the best man at mine..." Robert said before clumsily leaning over and patting him on the shoulder.

Aaron smiled softly feeling sad about the prospect.

"Aren't you a bit far off from that lad?" Aaron asked, more like pleaded.

"Well Mills is sorta -" Robert said without thinking.

"Mills?" Aaron was getting hot, another girl then - of course.

"Yeah...yeah Millie, my girlfriend." Robert said the words very slowly as if trying to make himself believe it.

Aaron bit his lip and pulled a face, "You never said..."

"You never gave me chance," Robert chuckled "God I thought I was the chatterbox."

Robert cleared his throat and decided to avert the conversation back to Aaron, "So...you were heartbroken then?" he said trying to understand more about what happened with Luca and not really wanting to talk about Millie.

Aaron shrugged his shoulders realising what Robert was doing but not minding much, he needed to talk to someone and somehow telling his mum about it all made him want to hide away, "I mean...I suppose so...I missed him when I left..."

"Did you love him?" Robert asked before suddenly crossing his fingers on his back and wanting the answer to be a no, he didn't know why but it was somehow better that way. And a part of him would always hate the fact that Aaron loved someone else.

Aaron bit his lip, "I mean...I suppose so..." Robert's heart sank, "I loved things about him, loved that he gave me this good fucking life for a few months but I mean...I don't think I was ever actually you know...like you said...not the way people describe."

Robert unhooked his fingers and let out a small sigh.

"But you missed him when you left?" Robert asked slowly.

"Yeah...loads, I missed having someone you know..."

"I was always one call away." Robert blurted out as if they were...as if...

"Not a friend, you know what I mean." Aaron blabbed quickly forcing the words out before realising that he had practically said the same thing Robert had said on his twenty first, using the whole friend thing to almost separate what they were and actual relationships.

Robert felt his heart tug a little, "Course..."

"Not as much as you missed me though..." Robert asked shyly.

"Piss off." Aaron said cheekily, the real answer scared him.

"I really fucking missed you." Robert said quickly almost blurting the confession out whilst he had the chance.

Aaron nodded his head and Robert realised how much better Aaron was at hiding his blush.

"I'm sorry for not..."

Robert waved his arm out, "Don't be...remember when I just left too..."

"Yeah," Aaron said thinking back to how badly it hurt, he didn't mean to make Robert feel the same.

"I...I thought I'd never get that chance to say...say things to ya..." Robert whispered rocking back and forth, clearly drunk now.

Aaron felt his face get hot and his blush grow. Shit he didn't need to hear Robert's drunk ramblings.

The wild and free part of Aaron had tempted him to say 'like what' but the rational part simply said 'just going toilet'

Robert watched Aaron leave him again and felt a sinking feeling, he thought about that morning, kisses from his girlfriend and presents from his family but that gaping hole still being there. Aaron. He didn't know how to describe how he felt about him, it was odd and new and it scared the fuck out of him because Aaron was a bloke and blokes were for playing football with and maybe - 

Robert thought back to those years away. Nineteen and ready to take on the world. If it meant given a quick blowjob to a man in an alley way a few nights a week, than that's exactly what he would do to earn the cash. He never felt anything though, it was as if he thought of the needy men as robots, cash machines and that's about it. His mind did used to wander though sometimes back to Aaron but Robert always told himself that it was natural to think about a gay man whilst doing what he was doing. It was just his mind reminding him that Aaron probably did this all the time, but that didn't help him. It made him feel angry, thinking about Aaron that intimate with someone.

Robert was probably bisexual by now but he never saw men the way he saw Aaron. His face didn't light up when an attractive man walked through the door, he would raise an eyebrow and admire but that was about it. A part of him realised it was because he hadn't caught feelings for them the way he had with Aaron all those years ago. But that was besides the point because Aaron was Aaron, his best friend in the world, someone he relied on and needed in his life. But also someone he would never admit to his feelings for, partly because they were jumbled in his own mind and also due to the fact that he really didn't deserve to fuck up Aaron's life with his pathetic attempts at being a...boyfriend.

Robert pulled himself off from his chair and walked towards the exit, deciding that Aaron was better of out of his messed up life that made him feel more confused each day. He couldn't push what he felt out though and then suddenly there was a man standing in front of him, average hight, average looks with a trimmed beard and blue eyes and he looked just a bit like Aaron and...

There he was, his best mate causing his heart to ache once again. He was standing there...kissing someone...kissing a man. Aaron's head was pounding, he felt himself almost crying out for it all to stop because it was hurting him so much. Aaron knew how he felt, he had always known but right then and there everything was proven wasn't it.

Robert pulled away from the man and pulled a face. He had kissed men, drunk like this and only when they were offering an extra tip but he had thought it would have felt a bit different. It didn't. It felt exactly the fucking same, rough and firm.

He looked over at Aaron, he was standing there and he could have sworn he had tears in his eyes that he was hiding from him. Instantly he rushed over to him but Aaron was already marching away and batting his hands away as he tried to slow him down. His breathing was telling Robert he was angry, really angry and maybe even sad about what he saw. It scared him, really fucking scared Robert because the thought of Aaron being angry about him kissing men was something he never wanted to have to witness.

Aaron turned on his heel suddenly and was looking at Robert, "What the fuck was that?"

"Aaron...I..."

"You what? You're fucking bisexual? Since when?" Aaron said moving further towards Robert and nearly knocking him over.

Robert waved his arm out and tried to push Aaron back, "Yeah...well I don't know how fucking long I didn't write it in my diary. Aaron don't be so...why are you fucking angry at me?"

Aaron wasn't angry, he was behind that. He was fucking heartbroken again and he felt like a prick because Robert once again didn't seem to understand.

"'Cos you've just done what that Liam did to me all those years ago...you've cheated on your fucking girlfriend Molly with some random and you don't seem to care" Aaron spat.

"Er...it's Milly and.." Robert said placing his hands in front of him and trying to pull his sentences together.

"Oh you know what I don't give a fuck about her, I care about _you_ and...you cheating on someone Robert...I didn't think you were like that anymore!"

  
Robert shook his head, "Just 'cos you changed Aaron dosent mean everyone else did, I'm still the same fucking prick I've always been, the same idiot out for what he can get."

  
Aaron blinked softly before moving towards Robert, "Don't say that...that's not true and you know it." He said determined to reassure his friend, and trying to hide his own feelings.

He couldn't look past Robert being bisexual, he couldn't just skip over that part and comfort Robert about how fucked up he had become because at the end of the day...Robert was bisexual and Aaron had nearly given his heart to him so many times and yet still he was with another girl and Aaron was the best friend. Just like before, time and time and time again, it would never change. Robert was bisexual and still didn't look at him that way, still didn't catch his breath when he saw him or even remember that conversation they had when he was nineteen. Robert liked boys too, but still didn't like Aaron and it felt as though he had just been punched in the gut.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Aaron asked after a few minutes.

Robert shrugged his shoulders, "I didn't want you...thinking that we...that you know -"

"That you were fair game and I could pounce?" Aaron spat the words out. The words he had kept in since he was a teenager and he would shyly move his hands away from Robert out of fear he would suddenly clock on, suddenly realise how he felt and not want to be friends with the gay dingle who wouldn't keep his hands to himself. He replayed the thought time and time again and always wished they would never have to have the conversation, the one that involved Robert practically telling Aaron that him being gay made him think he would try it on with him. He hated all the fucking stereotypical shit that came with being gay. All the comments he used to get when he was seen with an arm around Robert, and now Robert was telling him that he didn't tell him about him bisexual because he didn't want Aaron to get the wrong idea.

"Aaron no, no I didn't-"

"Do you have any idea how hard it was for me to come out? To hear all that shit about me and you being friends? My mum and everyone telling me not to get the wrong ideas?" Aaron was angry now, he was really fucking angry and bitter about this revelation about Robert's sexuality.

Robert gulped hard and nodded his head. He remembered the stick Aaron got about it, he reminded the warnings he got from Andy and the teasing that followed. He knew how it made Aaron feel and now he was doing the same thing.

"I didn't mean it like that Aaron." Robert begged before holding onto his face again like he always did whenever he wanted to be honest with him, Aaron gulped hard bracing himself for what was to come "You have no idea...no idea Aaron..." He pointed to his temple and sighed "What's in here."

Aaron suddenly pulled away but Robert was following him again.

"See it's like...only in my dreams that I say...that I say what I mean." Robert whispered and Aaron could tell he was holding back tears, he was still walking away though - it was better to walk away.

"'Cos I've got this...really fucking bright idea that if I...if I tell you my fears, if I show you them then...I'll be less of a man." Robert whispered before stopping and backing towards the wall of an old alley way, leaking and wet from rain.

Aaron turned around and looked at him, despite everything he was his best mate. His friend that he would always need. He knew that. And what he was admitting, it was breaking him.

"Come here," Aaron mumbled before pulling Robert towards him and holding onto him tightly, the unspoken words filled the air and made their hug tighter and full of nothing but regret. Regret that they were both letting time slip through their fingers and neither of them were doing anything to stop it from happening. It was fucking tragic.

"Me and you...will be like this forever one day Aaron..." Robert said sluggishly still clinging to Aaron and not wanting to let go "We'll get fucking married, I'll marry you Dingle...one day...me and you will be buddies forever...with a fucking paper to prove it too..."

Aaron felt his heart almost break again, he mouthed the last five words because he remembered them as clear as day. He would never forget them, ever.

"Deal," he said echoing the little eighteen boy who would have easily given Robert the world, the sun, the moon, the stars and with his heart to match. Robert was drunk, he wouldn't remember and more importantly it wouldn't matter. It never mattered, not in the cold light of day, not when Aaron was Robert's best friend and Robert had a girl on his arm.

Robert pulled away and stared at Aaron, wondering if he was simply pleasing him with his agreement. He was drunk and babbling things he would say in a mystical dream but they weren't wrong, they were all his thoughts, the ones that were buried deep down and only dug up when just the right amount of alcohol was consumed.Thoughts he would never say aloud.

_'It's only in my dreams that I say what I mean.'_

Robert held onto Aaron's face once again and Aaron didn't pull away, "I think too much Aaron...I think...but I don't feel enough..."

Aaron gulped hard not knowing what was coming next and feeling unprepared.

"Okay," he said letting out a shaky breath.

"I...just want to feel your lips on mine...just once...just -"

Aaron pushed into Robert and suddenly felt his butterflies break free and fly, the feeling was euphoric as he felt his lips crash into Robert's and moved his arms up and down Robert's leather jacket. Nothing else mattered to them, they were standing there, two best friends kissing like they were long lost lovers. Maybe they were, it felt that way between them. Robert moaned into his kisses and longed for Aaron to do the same, when he did he felt almost high on the feeling of Aaron and him so intimate. He was standing there, holding onto Aaron doing something he always wanted to. Robert was always interested in Aaron wasn't he...always interested in what he would feel like and now he know, and to compare it to any other quick rough kiss with a man felt completely unjust. It wasn't just any other man though, it was Aaron, it was his best friend and it should have felt wrong in a way, but it didn't - not one bit.

Robert pulled away catching his breath and looking at Aaron, "Well..." he was panting now, really out of breath from the embrace and not caring one bit.

Aaron panted too looking back at him and seeing their nervous look on his face, he could see right then and there that despite how badly he would always want Robert, he could never have him. They were different, they wanted different things and their life's would always get in the way of them. His heart ached as he realised that he could never settle with Robert, he was too wild, too eccentric and the thought of squashing any of that or ruining what he had with his latest girlfriend made him feel like shit.

"Bit fucking weird, kissing your best friend." Aaron said the words quickly, letting them fall out and sit in the air. He hated himself, hated the way Robert's face almost crumbled in front of him, but he was too scared to correct himself and by the looks of it Robert was too scared to fight for him, for what they just did. It confirmed for Aaron that he wasn't ready, he probably never would be and all the shit he would spout about getting married and being together was all just drunken nonsense that they both had to stop believing in. It was too cruel to think about.

"Yeah...well weird." Robert said forcing a hand over his mouth to try and show Aaron that he didn't like the feel of his lips on his. He hated all the fucking lying. A part of him wanted to tell Aaron that he felt differently but then what was the good in that? Aaron obviously was too young to even think about being with Robert, he had been cheated on in the past and had just seen his best friend do the same. The kiss was an impulse thing he thought, Aaron was still angry at him for being a careless cheat and that fact alone made their future filled with lots more 'this my best friend...' introductions.

Aaron backed away physically as well as emotionally creating a distance between himself and Robert. Robert noticed and suddenly cleared his throat.

"Sorry for talking so much shit." Robert blabbed trying to retake his words.

Aaron bit his lip, "Don't be silly," he sighed.

"Pretty good birthday I've had I reckon...wonder what Milly got me God." Robert said before laughing and then pulling back, he was literally thinking aloud. He never did that.

Aaron felt a bit stung and wondered if Robert had mentioned her on purpose, but his best friends sorry look told him otherwise,"Better than what I got you...I left your present and card...I'm sorry," he sighed realising he had left it behind like a prat.

"I think that birthday kiss was enough..." Robert said flirting badly. Aaron looked up and had hope written across his face "However weird and odd and you know strange it was..." he added dashing any hope Aaron had and really going over board trying to hammer home his lies.

Aaron nodded his head quickly.

"You know...like you said." Robert said trying to make Aaron see he was the one who started the descriptions off, Aaron understood but didn't try and correct them.

The air was thick once again and Robert felt sick with regret as Aaron pulled him close and steadied him as they got into a taxi. Robert was now all soppy and Aaron was fearing that he would cave and kiss him again.

"I...I love you Aaron," Robert mumbled before closing his eyes and falling into a light sleep as he rested on Aaron's lap in the back of the small taxi on the way back to the village, on the way back to his girlfriend.

Aaron smiled softly, "I love you too Robert, always will. Happy birthday mate." He whispered before kissing the top of his head and staying like that until the taxi pulled up outside the Woolpack.

 

**_ 27 _ **

 

_'SUGDEN!!!! Happy birthday lad, God you're so fucking old now aren't you! I'll see you later.'_

Robert smirked as he replayed the voice mail from his best friend, Aaron. He treasured the innocence and the youthfulness that simply poured out of the phone and made him smile. Just simply hearing Aaron's voice was enough to make him more excited about it being his birthday, despite the fact that he was actually shit scared about the prospect of getting older. The big 3.0 was approaching and he was anxious about having to 'settle down and start married life' the thought made him crave his early twenties again.

His birthday last year was pretty uneventful, well no it wasn't - it shouldn't have been. Milly - yep she was still around, took them away to Mexico for a week and whilst he loved it, and he loved her, he couldn't bring himself to tell her. She had done, countless times and he hated seeing her little face when he would say things like 'ditto' or 'me too' in reply to her love confessions. To tell her he loved her would make her so happy and he wanted to make her happy but he didn't want to lie. He knew that he didn't love her the way she loved him, he wasn't in love with her and he hated that fact because she really was a great girl. She was kind and fearless and up for a laugh but she was also quite full on and after Robert realised that she had been cheated on in the past he should have ended things. She was already suspicious and had doubts and after that night of his twenty fifth, he couldn't help but always feel guilty when she would end up in floods of tears about it all. Her last boyfriend had really fucking hurt her, fucked her over time and time again, messing her about and she had stayed because she was that in love. She had told him, told him all about it and Robert couldn't help but feel wary of her love, he admired the way she was always there for him but not the way she could possibly see past things that mattered. Like the way Robert had kicked up a fuss last year about going to Mexico because he wouldn't be able to see...

...Aaron of course. Aaron fucking Dingle.

Robert remembered his birthday night very clearly, too clearly and he couldn't help but cringe when he thought about it. Thankfully Aaron hadn't mentioned in, no body mentioned it and they liked it that way.

After that night things had changed between them slightly, Aaron sorta kept his distance and Robert could feel some sort of barrier forming between them that made him feel scared about where their friendship was heading. He was right to be scared. Aaron was pulling away from him and it fucking hurt, of course Robert lashed out and on a quiet night in - one that happened so rarely it was a joke - Robert reacted badly to something Aaron said. Something fucking stupid about Milly who seemed to have a lot of time for Aaron which only made him feel worse about kissing her boyfriend and Robert flew off the handle. Robert was accusing Aaron of all sorts, telling him that he had no idea what is was like to be in actual grown up relationship because everyone cheated on him and he was too young and naive to realise. Of course Aaron was hurt, of course they didn't speak for months and of course Robert had approached Aaron with his tails between his legs on Aaron's birthday that year with a big fat 'I'm sorry' sign practically tattooed on his forehead like a prick.

Aaron had forgiven him instantly and told him he missed him and things were fine again until Robert's birthday came along and Aaron booked tickets for them to see some car show and Robert had to turn it down for Milly. Always for Milly, Aaron thought and he nearly snapped - nearly told Robert he was only doing it because he was guilty about the things he had said to Aaron that night. But he didn't. He made out he was okay and he got on with things.

Now a year since then, things were comfortably distant between the boys. Aaron had moved away from the village and Milly had moved in to Robert's little cottage, the one he bought with Aaron in mind, always Aaron in mind.

Robert didn't understand why Aaron had left the village but he didn't pry. He hated how he never got the chance to pry, as if he didn't really have the right anymore. He suspected it was because Milly had moved in with him and their nights getting drunk and passing out on the sofa together would be over. For the first time Robert felt like an actual boring old man and Aaron was his young hipster friend. It felt wrong.

The last time he had seen Aaron was a few weeks ago by chance in a supermarket where once again Robert felt like a boring old man buying olives and dips for Milly whilst Aaron was carrying packets of crisps and a four pack.

"You alright mate?" Aaron asked softly as he saw Robert approaching him.

Robert was flustered as fuck and nodded quickly, "Yeah...yeah you? How are things mate?"

"Great, I er...got that job I wanted so..." Aaron mumbled, Robert grinned remembering how nervous Aaron was about working in some fancy car dealership place.

"Mate! That's amazing, well done!" Robert said eagerly causing Aaron to blush again. He was shy and Robert wondered if that confidence he had was gone now - if it was just a faze.

"Cheers...er...how's the lovely Milly then?" Aaron said, it was polite to ask he supposed.

Robert cleared his throat, "As lovely as ever...yeah we're great. Don't know how she puts up with me."

Aaron smiled softly wanting desperately to rid Robert of that voice in his head that told him he wasn't good enough for people, he was always more than enough.

"Well it helps when you're faithful...right?" Aaron said tipping his head forward and making Robert nod, he had been - slightly. Little kisses here and there but nothing more, he couldn't hurt her like that.

"Eh your birthdays in a few weeks ain't it?" Aaron asked slowly.

"Yeah...er come down yeah we can have a drink or summat, I'm sure Diane will do something in the pub."

Aaron nodded his head slowly before biting his tongue. He looked down to Robert's basket and saw how boring and normal it seemed, Robert was moving on with his life. He wasn't thinking about that night on repeat as much as Aaron was. He could tell him about who he had met, it wouldn't make things awkward at all.

  
"Mind if I bring someone?" Aaron said tentatively causing Robert's eyes to widen.

  
"You you met someone?" Robert said quickly, he didn't like the sound of that and he felt bitter about it all.

  
"Yeah he might pop by if that's alright..."

"Yeah I mean if he's still around by then." Robert chuckled before pulling away as he looked at Aaron's face, he was hardly impressed.

Robert was right in thinking that Diane would do something for him, she had put on a nice little spread in the pub and Victoria had made him another cake for his birthday and Milly had dressed up and looked beautiful as she stood next to Victoria - he did love her. The night was pretty uneventful, only being slightly exciting whenever the pub door went and he thought Aaron was coming through the doors. Victoria noticed, she always noticed.

"Waiting for someone eh..." Victoria said cheekily trying to wind Robert up.

"Shut up will ya," Robert mumbled before sipping his pint.

"I really don't know how you're still best mates..." Victoria giggled before turning away for a minute.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Robert asked defensively.

"You know...you're at different stages in your life's..." Victoria said quickly.

"Doesn't mean you stop caring about someone Vic, don't _change_ how you feel." Robert snapped, he knew she was right - he knew he was loosing Aaron and time was simply rolling by.

Aaron came through the doors, smile on his face and a present in one hand. He looked fucking great, his hair was gelled back and he was wearing a tight fitting top that showed off his arms. Robert never used to pay attention to the way Aaron actually looked, but how could he not.

"Happy birthday mate," Aaron said quickly before wrapping his arms around Robert in the middle of the pub, Robert held onto him tightly and didn't want to let go, he was closing his eyes and Victoria smiled as she watched from afar. She knew, she had always known. The way Robert used to talk about Aaron none stop at home, the times where he defended the Dingles and risked no dinner or money for weeks for answering their dad back. The way when their dad died, he didn't cry in front of any of them but still had tears in his eyes after he had returned from being with Aaron. The way his smile would light up and how _badly_ he missed his best friend, told him all she needed to know. She _knew_ , and it was fucking _tragic_ because Robert would never really know and neither would Aaron - they wouldn't allow themselves to know. _Ever_.

"I er...it's not a lot but..." Aaron said as he passed Robert over a small gift. Robert had bought him a pint and somehow they were back there again, back with those feelings in the way and making them fight to hide them.

Robert smiled at Aaron as he unwrapped the gift, "Shit Aaron thanks..." he whispered as he trailed his finger over the content of the small black box. Inside was a small whiskey flask with Robert's initials on the side, perfect and shiny and staring right up at him "I thought you said it wasn't a lot..."

"Yeah well...Johnny has a mate who does it for a livin-"

"Johnny? Who's-"

"Me fella...my er boyfriend." Aaron mumbled before smiling at Robert and pushing back down his odd shy feelings that always ruined things.

Robert felt a slight twinge in his body, a little jolt that made him feel that regretful feeling deep inside.

"Oh right well...I'll have to thank him too when he comes." Robert said, really meaning I'll have to suss him out whilst smiling at him fake expression.

Aaron suddenly shook his head, "Yeah about that, he can't make it...he had to work so..."

Robert couldn't deny a sense of relief wash over him when Aaron uttered the words. He didn't want to see him, he didn't want to see the man that Aaron was with. He wasn't really ready and it made him feel like an idiot because it didn't make sense to feel that way about his best friend, despite the other feelings - Aaron was his best friend first and foremost and his happiness should have counted.

Aaron was turning away and shaking his head and Robert suddenly placed a hand on his thigh, "Next time then eh?"

Aaron suddenly looked up and stared at Robert before smiling, the sound of heels approaching made Aaron brush Robert's hand away without a second thought. He looked up and saw Milly, still lovely and bright and then there it was - the guilt about how her boyfriend had kissed two men, in one night. Him being one of them.

"Aaron, how nice to see you..." she was smiling at Aaron, her red lipstick perfectly spread across her lips "this one won't stop banging on about you" she giggled after poking Robert playfully.

"Really?" Aaron said surprised that he was talked about by Robert in front of Milly, how did he hide his guilt about what he had said, what they had done. Maybe it really wasn't as important as Aaron remembered, maybe the fact that Robert was kissed by Aaron and Aaron was the one who dismissed it afterwards made Robert brush off the incident. Maybe.

Robert brushed off Milly's kisses suddenly feeling embarrassed by all the attention and looking at Aaron who was not looking his way, almost couldn't.

The sound of the door swinging open interrupted the boys from their talk about Andy becoming engaged to Katie and Victoria desperately wanting everything to go okay. Robert knew the minute he walked in that the insanely well built, good looking bloke was Aaron's, Johnny. For a second Robert felt the need to pull Aaron to his feet and race out the back door with him, having another good night out and forgetting about their significant others, he just wanted to be with Aaron like they used to be. He wanted to have fun again without anyone else around. It was too late though, Johnny had spotted Aaron and was now walking towards him - catching Aaron by surprise and planting a soppy kiss on his cheek.

"Room for one more?" Johnny smiled as Aaron looked up at him and felt his heart beating out of his chest. Aaron always felt that way when Johnny was around. He had been seeing him for a little longer than anyone knew, he told his mum a few weeks, he told Robert the same but in reality the two had met days after Aaron's birthday in January. They had been inseparable ever since but in a good way. It was healthy, what they had - Johnny had his own mates and the space that they had between them made them miss each other all the time. Johnny was open with how he felt and he didn't hold back, it was refreshing to hear someone say how much they liked him when he spent years wondering and thinking about how a certain someone felt about him. He welcomed it all and over time he found that he was feeling new feelings, grown up feelings that were scary but exciting. They made him feel dizzy and full of life and soon Aaron was falling for Johnny and he was falling right back. Aaron told himself he was in a honeymoon faze and that it would pass, but a month went by and it didn't. The feelings were still there and he couldn't deny how good Johnny made him feel. He was honest and true and fucking gorgeous with a good stable job and a nice family who all loved Aaron. He was perfect and he was in love. He was sure of it. But then Robert had seen him and well...fuck.

"What are you doing here?" Aaron asked softly darting his eyes between his boyfriend and his best friend.

"Well I finished early and I thought I'd surprise you." Johnny said before sitting next to Aaron and holding onto his hand.  
Robert was staring like a mad man at the scene in front of him, Aaron was beaming at Johnny, his face practically lighting up and full of nothing but admiration. Suddenly Robert's heart sank, this is what people described he thought. Exactly this. This was love. Aaron was fucking in love with someone else, finally he felt that feeling and everything else didn't matter because all hope was lost and Aaron was fucking in love.

Robert felt like a spare part, a photographer who's job was to simply capture the moment in front of him. Until Aaron suddenly pulled his eyes away from Johnny and back to Robert.

"This...this is Robert Sugden...and this is Johnny Benton." Aaron said with a confidence that even shocked himself.  
Johnny was all smiles, his curly black hair and piercing green eyes were staring deep into Robert as if he was figuring him out, that was Robert's job.

  
"Glad to meet you mate..." he said shaking Robert's hand quickly.

  
"Likewise," Robert said trying to stay upbeat and looking over at Milly, his Milly, mingling with the locals and playing with her hair. He called her over and suddenly saw Aaron fidget in his seat.

  
"This is my girlfriend...Milly." Robert said before dropping a hand down towards her waist and smiling up at her "Milly this is Aaron's boyfriend Johnny." He said trying to ignore the bitterness in his mouth.

"Nice to meet you." Milly said politely before moving away again to talk to Diane.

Johnny cleared his throat, "I've heard lots about you." He said quickly.

Aaron rolled his eyes and blushed.

"Yeah? Well, we've been friends since we were kids haven't we?" Robert said turning towards Aaron and causing him to nod.

"Well er happy birthday mate." Johnny said smiling again.

He was a smiler and his friendliness made Robert squirm. He was too fucking nice, but just right for Aaron. He hated him.

The night went on and Robert drank more and more to try and block out the perfect couple sitting in front of him, playing with each other's hands and staring at each other every now and again. Milly had left with Diane after a few hours, apparently she was too tried to carry on drinking and Robert was hardly in the mood to follow her. It was as if he enjoyed how his heart was feeling as he watched Aaron and Johnny together. Like he couldn't possibly look away despite how bad it was, like a car crash or whatever people said.

"You...alright?" Victoria asked as she approached Robert and attempted to pull him away from the scene in front of him.

Robert nodded towards her quickly, "Yeah I'm fine."

Victoria sighed before pulling her brother up and bringing him towards the bar, "You've hardly spoke to Aaron tonight." She said trying to prod her brother into saying more.

Robert scoffed, "So I'm not the only one who noticed!" He said slurring his words and leaning over the bar, "I just wanted a...a...nice drink with me mate. That's all." He said waving his hands around.

Aaron suddenly stood behind him and craned his neck as he watched Victoria back away and leave Robert to talk to himself. "...He's got this perfect...boyfriend now...it's-it's meant to be, be my birthday-"

Aaron shook his head and sighed before pulling Robert to his feet and walking him outside to the cool night. Robert tried to push away but then he realised it was Aaron and he could never push away.

"Aaron...Aaron," he whispered into Aaron's chest as they walked towards the back of the pub and Aaron dared his eyes around to check if anyone was around.

"What is wrong with you? Why are you drunk?" Aaron asked looking towards Robert and shaking his head.

"Maybe because you left me for lover boy! Maybe because I haven't talked to you the whole night!" Robert shouted quickly causing Aaron to push away. He hadn't realised he was so wrapped up in Johnny, he didn't mean to be but...

"I didn't leave you for Johnny, we were sitting with you and then you got up and left!" Aaron shouted back his frustration boiling over. "Anyway you're one to talk, you chose fucking Milly over me the minute you moved her in!"

Robert pushed a hand through his hair, finally he was getting the truth.

"Ohhh now it comes out! I knew you were bothered about it, I fucking knew it!"

Aaron shook his head and sighed, "Of course I was! But I didn't say anything, 'cos like always I put your needs before my mine!" He said inches from Robert's face and panting hard with anger.

Robert knew it was true, Aaron was the most selfless man he had ever met - there was no denying that.

"That's called being a pushover you prick." Robert said shoving Aaron towards the wall.

Aaron was seething, he couldn't believe what was happening and what Robert was saying, he felt as though everything that he had ever done for Robert had been slapped back in his face and it fucking hurt.

Suddenly Aaron was flying towards Robert, fists first launching himself at him and punching him in the jaw really fucking hard, knocking Robert off balance and onto the wet floor. Aaron was shaking, he was so fucking angry and hurt.

"THAT'S CALLED LOVING SOMEONE YOU PRICK!!" He shouted down towards Robert who wasn't cowering away but just simply staring straight back at him with regret in his eyes. He didn't mean it, he never fucking meant it - that was the problem. He as sorry, he was always fucking sorry - that was another problem.

Aaron stared at the blood on his knuckles and shook, "I've given up a lot of shit for you...I nearly gave up _jobs_ , I gave up the mechanic course after your dad...I helped you, _stayed_ with you, listened to you say you _love_ me like it meant _nothing_ , all the whole knowing that I couldn't stand any of it...because...because of how I fucking _felt_ about you. But I stayed because I put your needs before mine..." he was out of breath, still in shock about what he was saying.

Robert was panting, slowly moving himself up and trying to grasp what Aaron was telling him. Aaron maybe hadn't actually voiced how he felt but he had fucking shown it ten times over. Aaron shook his head before walking away.

"I'm...Aaron...I didn't mean, I'm fucking sorry." Robert said, he was practically sobbing and running after Aaron who was trying his hardest to wipe his tears away.

"Fuck you Robert...stay away from me because I can't fucking deal with this shit anymore." Aaron said waving his arms around before Robert caught them and held them close to his chest, Aaron hated him, hated him for making him relax within minutes especially when he was the one who made him so angry in the first place.

"I can't...I can't be your best mate...I can't." Aaron said through tears and shallow breathes.

Robert gulped hard. He couldn't believe it, he didn't want to. He couldn't bare the thought of losing Aaron.

"Aaron I'm drunk, I'm being a prick...but I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." Robert said clinging onto Aaron's shirt desperately.

Aaron turned away and sighed, "Like when we kissed, when you said all those things...and then we didn't talk about it. Like we never talk about _any_ of that shit." He said with a frustrating expression.

Robert hadn't ever forgot the feel of Aaron's lips on his, the way he was his for a few minutes. "Then let's talk...me and you we...we'll go wherever you want just...just me and you Aaron." Robert was crying, he was a mess with tears steaming down his face. He wasn't ready to lose Aaron, to let go and watch him walk away whilst he still could make it right, he could still have 'that talk' the one they ignored time and time again.

Aaron shook his head, "Two years ago I would have gone anywhere with you...anywhere Robert" he said with a faint expression on his face.

Robert breathed in and then out again as he caught his breath and prepared himself for another sob, "Then...lets just forget everything okay...nothing's changed not really." He said still clinging to Aaron's shirt.

Aaron was breaking, he was trying to find the right words and then it hit him. Johnny. He really fucking loved him, he couldn't throw that away for his best friend who was as confused as he was about everything. Not when he had someone guaranteed to love him.

"I have Johnny and you have Milly and that's the way it should be." Aaron whispered into Robert's chests before ripping his eyes away from him and pulling away.

Robert suddenly thought about Milly, his Milly and he let out another guilty sob.

Aaron turned around again and was trying his hardest to leave but Robert still couldn't let him, "Aaron I can't lose you, you're my best friend, my fucking best friend Aaron....please," he pleaded as he held out an arm and tried to reach for Aaron, "I...I love you Aaron please."

Aaron halted, he hated how important that was to him, how his heart still exploded when he heard him say the words. "I know..." He whispered making Robert have hope and smile, "But I'm in love with Johnny...and you're in love with Milly."

Robert pushed away, he knew he had to now. Aaron had confirmed it all, he was in love and it didn't matter that they were best of friends - Johnny mattered and so should Milly but she didn't, not as much as she should have - not in the grand scheme of things. Milly was fuck all compared to Aaron and that was what hurt the most. That would always hate the most.

_With a gun to my head I might confess that it's you that I love._

"You're right. I'm sorry." Robert mumbled as he wiped his tears away "Maybe...maybe we should just-"

"I think it's for the best...I don't want a repeat of tonight, you upset and me angry and...and hurting you, I'm sorry about that." Aaron said adding no emotion to his voice to try and not break down in front of Robert. His Robert, the Robert that was telling him all those things that would have made him blush a few years ago. What a fucking mess.

"It's fine..." Robert breathed out before looking at Aaron and feeling his heart ache, he needed to let this friendship die, it wasn't good for them "Come here," he whispered pulling Aaron towards him and squeezing him tightly the way he always did, I love you's filled the air and made Robert weak as Aaron wrapped his arms around his best friend.

"I want you to be happy, be fucking happy Robert and don't fuck it up with Milly, she loves you." Aaron whispered before backing away and smiling at Robert.

"I promise, I'll be happy if you will," Robert whispered back causing Aaron to nod quickly. "See you Suggers." Aaron said quickly as he felt another tear roll. He felt sick, he felt as though someone had actually died, as though he was carrying a gaping hole around with him as he walked away from his best friend for good.

Robert couldn't breathe, he couldn't hold himself up but then Victoria was there holding him up and gripping him tightly, whispering for him to calm down. She had heard, she had heard everything and her heart was breaking for her brother and his messed up fucking idea of love that meant he would let someone as perfect and good as Aaron go like that.

 

**_ 28 _ **

 

_'Happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me, happy birthday dear Sugden, happy birthday to-'_

The car spiralled out of control, he was spinning and spinning and suddenly halting - launching forward and slamming back against the seat. Then nothing. Darkness and regret as he found himself slowly drifting, the last thing on his mind, the last thing he was thinking of, the last name on his lips screaming 'Aaron'.

His birthday had started of miserable. He didn't want to celebrate it. Not without Aaron. Since the year before things had taken a turn for the better in some aspects, after he watched Aaron walk away from his friendships he suddenly felt able to tell Milly he loved her, as if Aaron leaving had made him free of the apprehension. Milly was over the moon when he told her he loved her, actually said the words and Robert nearly cried himself, it made him feel good - really good because someone really loved him and valued his love too. Unlike Aaron, Aaron didn't value his love at all.

Victoria had heard it all and wouldn't stop asking questions. She told Robert that he indeed felt that feeling he always shied away from, that terribly grown up natural feeling about his best friend. Of course Robert tried to deny it all, he tried to tell his sister that it wasn't how it sounded and that she didn't understand. But she did. He knew deep down that she understood more than anyone else in the world. For that reason, he pushed her away - he kept himself to himself and distanced away from the village, avoiding deep conversations and any talk about a certain Dingle.

It worked, it really did, although he replayed their last conversation on his head time and time again and he felt sick thinking about losing his best friend. He still missed the chats, the good long ones that would keep him up at night. All night. He still thought about him, especially on his birthday. Aaron would be twenty five now he thought, sitting in his living room hovering over Aaron's number and wondering if he should send a text to say happy birthday, it was the fifth of January - any other day it seemed for Milly but for him it made his heart ache and Milly was too busy, to naïve too...well she just didn't know why. In the end he didn't send a thing and it made him feel like shit.

Three months went by and now it was his birthday. Victoria was respectfully just sending him his present and a nice little message and so was Diane, as if Victoria had told her to just do the same as her. He was grateful for the distance because actually seeing them just reminded him of good times and then it made him sad because he wasn't that happy anymore.

Milly was away, she had some conference or other and so Robert was alone on his birthday, on his twenty eighth feeling like an old git with no mates. He decided to drink himself silly, really silly to avoid the loneliness he hated feeling that was creeping through him. He looked through his phone and for the first time in months managed to open up his photos and scroll down, going back through time until he stopped at a picture of him and Milly. She looked gorgeous, hair long and brown and wavy, her eyes fixed towards the camera and clearly ready for the picture to be taken. Robert was grinning, really smiling with his eyes and he had a drink in his head, probably something strong. He looked happy. He scrolled down again further, until his eyes fell on a picture of him and Aaron. They looked so young. Robert was twenty one, it was that night, his twenty first - before that stupid prick of Aaron's boyfriends made Aaron leave. Aaron had an arm around Robert, his hair short and his eyes closed as he pulled a funny face and turned to Robert who was doing the same. Robert chuckled, God he used to make him laugh, God he missed him. He allowed himself to scroll down again and then there was another one. That night on his twenty fifth when Aaron had come back and he had had a night out with him that changed everything. It looked as though neither of them were ready for the picture, Aaron's hair was all out of place and he was laughing, his smile big and wide and then Robert was there, all teeth and hair wild and he was looking at Aaron with that look. That lovely longing look that made him remember and Aaron was looking right back at him just the same. It was so innocent and honest. Robert tossed his phone aside for a minute before running a hand through his hair slowly. He felt like shit and only more so when he thought about where they had ended up.

Three beers later and Robert was crying his heart, listening to sappy music and singing himself happy birthday like a lonely fool. He saw his phone, teasing him, staring at him and making him feel ill. The next minute he knew he was picking up the phone and looking for Aaron's number, then it was there, and he was...

... _It's me, Robert...just call me back...it's my birthday Aaron...I fucking miss you._

_...I know you don't want to...it's my birthday mate! I'm twenty eight and fucking lonely, I hope you're not though, I really hope not..._

The third time made Robert's heart race, it dialled and then...

"Hello?"

Robert didn't know what to do or say, Aaron had heard his messages and now he was ringing him and he didn't know what to do.

"Is that really you?" Robert asked shakily, just hearing Aaron's voice made him smile.

"Yeah Robert's its me, are you oka-"

Aaron trailed off and suddenly Robert could hear a familiar cackle, Chas'. She was with him and then another voice, a low chuckle that...

...Johnny's.

Robert suddenly cut the call, pressing the red button and tossing his phone to one side. Shit. Was he in the Woolpack, was he with Johnny, was he that close...

Robert didn't think, he needed to see Aaron now - right now. He couldn't just ignore him, pretend he still didn't rely on him when he did, after a year. A full fucking year.

The streets were empty, his mind racing with thoughts about seeing Aaron. He was almost high on it, high on seeing him and making sure they were friends again. He would apologise for his shit, tell Aaron he was in love with Milly, lie about how in love he was and tell him that he wanted him back in his life. He would do all that...all of it.

Robert was slowing down, the alcohol taking full effect as the negative part of his mind came into full swing. He wasn't even sure Aaron would want to see him, why would he? He made it perfectly clear when he left that night - a year ago.

"Happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me, happy birthday dear Sugden, happy birthday to-"

He was laying there, it was raining and he could feel the water drenching him. He couldn't move, he was stuck firm in the position, his seatbelt locking his body into place and making the blood from his head drip down messily onto him. Robert was alive, but he didn't feel like it. He felt dead and he closed his eyes and found himself drifting again, Aaron still on his mind of course, then Milly, his lovely as ever Milly, then Victoria and Diane and even Andy and then back to Aaron again. On repeat over and over again as he drifted, as he felt his weight almost grow lighter. And then nothing again.

Then a white light, bright and evasive and in front of wide eyes filled with shock and horror and fear. Robert couldn't open his eyes for more than three seconds, he suddenly felt exhausted but he could feel the light shining on him and then...

"Don't worry love, helps on its way," the voice said sheepishly.

Aaron was running, really fucking running and breaking into a sweat as he raced towards the hospital. He had heard the message, a voice, a woman's and suddenly was curious about who else apart from his drunk mate was calling him at such an hour.

But then he heard...

  
**_Robert Sugden.  
Car crash.  
Relative?_**

  
And he was gone, shaking like a fool as he launched out of his seat, leaving behind his mum and Johnny, he would tell them later. He was driving like a mad man as he thought about his best friend. His best fucking friend who he hadn't spoke to for a year, a whole year. He had a car crash, he was hurt, was he dead? Was his best friend fucking dead? Aaron was racing through the roads as he approached the hospital, his mind replaying all the messages Robert left him. He was drunk, he knew he was as soon as he heard his voice, as soon as he had to catch his breath like always when he heard Robert tell him he missed him.

Aaron was shaking still as he got out of the car and walked to the hospital, suddenly he wasn't running anymore, he was slow with his steps - afraid of what he would see.

"Er...Robert...Robert Sugden...he came here, they called me they said he was here, please I need to see him, please," Aaron begged, pleaded with the woman at the receptionist as tears fell from his eyes and made him even more scared, he was fucking petrified because suddenly he was feeling _that feeling_  again. The one he had surely buried this time last year, the one that drew him back to Robert time and time again.

He was laying there, eyes closed and face pretty fucked up, but alive. He had narrowly escaped death, his car taking most of the impact. His head was banging and the sound of the monitor beeping over and over and over again made him feel sick, that mixed with the memories of crashing his head back hard on the seat.

His eyes were shut because he couldn't bare to open them and see no one by his side, no girlfriend, no sister, no step mum, no best friend. The realisation was a fucking miserable one and it kept Robert wishing he had been unconscious, it was better than having to force his eyes shut.

Robert tensed, the door swung open and there was footsteps, someone approaching him. He stayed silent, eyes shut - the doctor was checking up on him. Then he heard a sniffle, a doctor fucking crying? Bit unprofessional. Long day, Robert thought.

"Suggers."

Robert felt it, that feeling again and it was surging through him like a violent electric current, he felt like Frankenstein's monster springing to life at just the word. He was delirious, he must have been because Aaron fucking Dingle could not have been in his hospital room, he didn't travel all the way and wait to see him. Not after walking away from their friendship a year ago. No fucking way.

Robert opened his eyes slowly, slowly but surely and he was trying to control his breathing as he suddenly looked up and saw him. Aaron was there, Aaron had tears in his eyes and was forcing a weak smile on his face.

"Aaron?" Robert had to ask, he felt like it was a dream.

"Yeah...it's me. What the fuck have you done now eh?" Aaron asked softly, wiping away his tears suddenly.

Robert hesitated to answer. ' _I drank myself silly, called you and ended up drunk driving to come and see you_ ' nope that wouldn't go down too well.

"The doctor...he said you were fucking lucky Robert." Aaron said trying to make Robert understand, trying to understand everything himself.

"Why...why are you here?" Robert asked trying to avert the conversation back to Aaron.

"They rang me...looked through your phone and saw that I was the last person you had phoned." Aaron said before sighing "Now tell me what happened."

Robert winced, he could feel a bruise on his back that would cause him pain.

"I was driving and then I was crashing, that's all I can remember-"

"Bullshit Robert, you got into a car when you were drunk? What were you thinking?" Aaron was shaking again. Shit.

Robert felt himself well up and he had to fight back against his emotions, "I was thinking about you. I wanted to see my best mate just like old times, like we always did on my birthday."

Aaron cleared his throat. Robert got into that car to see him, he had risked his fucking life because of how badly he wanted to see his best friend who had ended their friendship the year before.

"This is all my fault...I shouldn't...Robert I'm so sorry...shit Robert." Aaron was trembling now, feeling sick.

Robert tried to lean forward but he couldn't, he couldn't move a muscle.

"Don't be a prat Aaron. It's me. I do fucking stupid stuff when I'm drunk, when I'm alone...I haven't changed." Robert cried out.

Aaron sniffed again, "You need to stop, you need to stop drinking Robert. It's bad for you." He said leaning over and looking at Robert straight in the eyes.

Robert knew he was right, he had drank too much countless times during that year without Aaron in his life. It was difficult to try and not to reach for that bottle when Milly was out and Victoria was trying to talk to him about his feelings. He supposed he had problem, if nearly dying after drunk driving didn't tell him that then what would.

"I know..." Robert mumbled, "I swear I will."

Aaron sighed slowly, "Milly...are you two still?"

Robert nodded slowly, Milly - she would baby him and panic at the slightest moan from Robert when she found out about the accident. He just knew.

"She can help you..." Aaron said suddenly moving backwards but then Robert was grabbing hold of him and making him feel that feeling again, he pushed it aside and looked at Robert who seemed so broken. His face was paler than usual but his eyes, they were alert and bright and staring at Aaron.

"Please don't go, please I need your help too Aaron." Aaron was half expecting it, he tried to pull himself away by mentioning Milly and how she could help him but...he couldn't deny the fact that he was waiting for Robert to reach out for him, in more ways than one. And he did and he was scared because he was great in his life now, he still had a dull ache in his chest but Johnny was healing it daily. "I need my best mate back..." Robert added softly, he was still clinging onto Aaron's hand and making him feel steady, he was nervous and his head was banging from the impact of the car still. He was reaching out, he was practically yelling for Aaron to look him in the eye because he was turning away now. Aaron let out a small sigh and hesitated to speak. Robert bit his lip and cut in front, determined to make him see that things would be different "Let's just forget everything...we can be mates, that's all I want Aaron please."

Aaron couldn't deny it. He had missed him, he had missed everything and he needed Robert in a way that he would always resent.

"Fine...okay...okay." Aaron whispered back before smiling softly.

Robert rested properly, he was deep in sleep and dreaming for a while of happier things, things that made him smile.

He could still hear though.

"Yeah he's fine, well...yeah...God I thought he was gonna be...yeah...I'll be home in a bit...I love you too."

Robert knew, he knew he was speaking about his Johnny. The man Aaron loved. The man who had pulled them apart Robert thought, he was the reason. The fact that Aaron was in love with him made them avoid 'that talk' that could have changed the course of their lives that night.

Robert heard Aaron sniffing again and wondered if he was crying. Then he felt a hand grip onto his own and his eyes fluttered as he contemplated whether looking up at Aaron. Something told him to keep them shut.

"I'll help you Robert, I'm not going anywhere...do you remember what I said on your nineteenth...I said you'd never be alone and I'm fucking sorry I left you...I won't...I won't leave you again mate. Best mates, buddies forever - nothing else, all that shit we said and did it dosen't matter." Aaron let it all out, everything he had been meaning to say for months and months and he felt empty, shallow because he had almost given Robert all of him, everything and it was petrifying, just how easily he could give it all despite the distance they had travelled separately.

Robert twitched a smile and desperately hoped Aaron could see. He was alive and was feeling his heart almost give way because Aaron was saying everything he longed for him to say but it hurt, it hurt because Aaron would only ever say it when his eyes were shut. Only then could he be honest.

Robert opened his eyes twenty minutes later after falling into a deep sleep that he wasn't prepared for and Aaron was sitting beside him, he was rubbing his eyes and clearly tired and still trying to hide his shock. His deep devastation because he still blamed himself for his best friends obvious decline.

"I rang Vic...she's coming with...with Milly." Aaron said softly as he looked at Robert opening his eyes and then shutting them again. He had damn Victoria outside, slipping out of the room and dialling her name. She was shocked to hear from him more so than about her brother drink driving and Aaron didn't understand why.

Robert gulped hard, "They can't see me like this...Milly's away she-" he was panicking and he didn't know why. The thought of people fussing made him squirm.

"Hey it's okay, it's Vic and your girlfriend Robert, it's fine..." Aaron said before rubbing Robert's arm slowly and trying to reassure him.

Robert nodded slowly and watched as Aaron went to pull on his coat. He was leaving and he hoped it wouldn't be for the last time, he hoped another near death experience on his fucking birthday didn't pull them back to each other again.

"You going?" Robert mumbled.

"Yeah well...but not now, I'll wait until Victoria and Milly come if you like?" Aaron asked slowly.

"Will you?" Robert asked. Aaron nodded his head before shifting in his seat and trying to make Robert less tense about their arrival.

"I reckon this is the most eventful birthday you've ever fucking had eh." Aaron chuckled.

Robert tried to laugh, it ached. "Yeah...I suppose so, remember my twenty fifth...that was pretty fucking wild" Robert bit his lip, he remembered, reminisced and felt giddy as he thought about Aaron's lips, his sweet kiss and how innocent and young he was.

Aaron instantly knew what he was talking about, he smiled nonetheless.

"I'm sorry I didn't-" Robert tried to explain, he tried to say he was sorry about missing Aaron's birthday and he felt like a fucking idiot for it.

"Don't even dare. I'm the one who suggested it all...all this space." Aaron sighed hard.

"But whilst we're on the subject of saying sorry for things, sorry about not getting you a pressie or a decent card for that matter." Aaron added.

"You being here...that's the best birthday present I could have asked for. I got me best mate back." Robert said full of truth and honesty.

Aaron could have kissed him, he didn't.

"Happy birthday mate." He said simply.

They stayed like that, talking about what they had missed out on. They skirted around their significant others - only mentioning them when truly necessary, and smiling about things that they remembered. Aaron mentioned those comics Robert still loved and Robert talked football to please Aaron and once again it felt like old times. The tragic and messed up events that led up to that moment, the beeping of the machines linked to Robert's arm and even the impending arrival of Victoria and Milly and the thought of Johnny waiting at home didn't seem to matter, none of it did. Aaron and Robert were back in that good, peaceful place again and for a fucking moment, everything else was forgotten.

 

**_ 29 _ **

 

**_Invite to Robert's birthday BBQ on the 22nd April, starts at one o'clock, please message back if you can make it...special announcement on the cards!_ **

 

The year leading up to Robert's birthday had once again been life changing. He had stopped drinking all together finally realising that he hated how it only seemed to drag him back down into a dark place he was desperately trying to escape in the first place. Aaron had referred him to a therapist that Chas has seen before, Mr Smickel and he had helped him try and get used to the idea of using other methods to deal with his emotions. Milly had been wary, she didn't really understand and they had fought and fought since that night on his twenty eighth birthday. She was stung when she arrived and saw Aaron was already there, when she heard a nurse tell her that Aaron had been there sitting with him for hours. But then she relaxed, it was Aaron - Robert's best friend and although Robert hadn't talked about him for a while, she was thankful her boyfriend wasn't on his own.

Aaron had kept his promise about being there for Robert, they talked all the time and although they were hardly completely honest with each other anymore considering the fact that they were wary of saying the wrong things - they seemed to get by just the way they were. He calls and texts and lunches out that made them feel like proper grown ups halted suddenly though. Aaron grew distant again despite the fact that he was still ringing and replying to all of Robert's messages, Robert knew something was wrong - he could feel his best friends pain and he hated it. It took a month of that terrible feeling until Aaron suddenly blurted out what was wrong.

Johnny was sick. Not your average fucking man flu though. They said it was stage one, they said they caught it early, they said chances were high. But all Aaron could understand was 'my boyfriend might die.'

Aaron had cried for days, he loved Johnny, he fucking loved him and then all of sudden the thought of everything being destroyed made him ache. Johnny was the secure one, the one with a decent job and a nice little supporting family that made Aaron feel wanted. He was the rock in Aaron's life, the one thing that was always certain happened to be Johnny's love for him. So true and honest and everything that made Aaron feel ten times worse because sometimes he'd think about Robert when he told Johnny he loved him too, only sometimes though, just sometimes.

Aaron had wanted to hide the truth from everyone at first, denial he thought but then he couldn't anymore because he was sick of joking around with Robert and then crying as soon as his back was turned.

Robert was in shock at first. He didn't know what to do or say because Aaron was suddenly this mess that he was, he suddenly was talking about his problems and Robert just felt useless. Aaron turned to Robert most of the time, his best friend that he still needed after all the years that had rolled by. Sometimes Aaron felt weak, drawn to Robert in a way that he shouldn't be but then Robert was always there to look a certain way or clear his throat and ease that feeling he had, the feelings that should have been reserved for his sick fucking boyfriend.

Johnny was low most days especially on Aaron's birthday that year, he had just finished his last stretch of chemotherapy and guilty for ruining things for Aaron which only made things worse for Aaron. That night he had nearly caved when he saw Robert briefly, he nearly did but once again Robert was there to tell him to go home to Johnny and so he did just that.

Two weeks after Aaron's birthday, Johnny was assessed and his mind was filled with thoughts that he couldn't hold in, that desperate feeling of anxiety wondering if it had all worked. Aaron could feel it too, he could feel how badly he wanted it to work out because like he said, he loved him. He loved him like a...

...a fucking boyfriend. What else?

Aaron hadn't even heard the rest of the words that fell from the woman's lips. All he heard was...

 **Success  
Congratulations  
Long road ahead**

  
And he felt on top of the world. Johnny would get better, of course he would. He was fit and young and healthy and a little thing like fucking cancer wouldn't bring him down.

Robert was over the moon with news despite the fact that Milly had been on at him for not paying her much attention lately. He felt guilty, he really did because he had abandoned her countless times to meet a distraught Aaron struggling with it all. It killed him, time and time again seeing his best mate like that. But at least in a bad sort of way he finally saw how much Aaron loved Johnny, he finally could see his true value in Aaron's life and it made the thought of 'that talk' never happening seem okay, worth it even.

Johnny was on cloud nine as expected but what came next managed to shake things up just a little too much for Aaron to wrap his head round.

"Aaron Dingle will you marry me?"

Bam. There it was, clear as day, one question that fell from Johnny's lips one night as they sat on their sofa. Instantly Aaron fucking knew and it killed him. He wasn't ready for marriage, he wasn't ready to marry Johnny and as he sat thinking about it he suddenly realised that he may never be. No, he knew he wouldn't ever be ready to marry Johnny. Johnny, the man who had loved him so honestly and whole heartedly but also the man who had lead such a fucking different life. The straight A bloke who was out and proud since he was about fourteen. The man so very different, so not like his best friend or himself at all. It wouldn't be right, it wouldn't be fucking right but...but he couldn't just...

...."Yes."

Robert was fucking crushed, his best mate married before him, his younger mate that he always thought would be by his side when he eventually got married himself. He was fucking engaged to marry a decent bloke, a steady boyfriend and it hurt like hell. Aaron hadn't even told him, Johnny had best him to it on the phone when Robert rang their flat one night expecting to speak to his best friend not some...not Johnny. He was so happy, Robert could hear it in his voice as he told him the 'great' news. And then he could hear Aaron whispering and telling Johnny to pass over the phone. The silence for a few seconds gave Robert the chance to compose himself properly but he was still crying inside and he wouldn't allow himself to fully understand the reason. He knew of course but he wouldn't ever fucking let it fall to the front of his mind. Not after everything. Not after that night of his birthday those years ago where he had pushed Aaron away for good because of his...not jealousy, no his...dislike for Johnny. Yep his dislike. Robert could only muster the words 'congratulations mate' and that was it, Aaron knew, he didn't push Robert to say anything else because it would have hurt them both.

Robert had not spoken to Aaron for a week, he decided it was time to move the fuck on from whatever hold Aaron seemed to unwillingly have on him. It was fucking ridiculous. Milly was there like always, like fucking always she was there and he just needed to understand that he couldn't take her for granted for a second longer.

He hadn't meant to do it, she sorta guessed, linked dots and came to the fucking conclusion that they were...that Robert was trying to...fucking propose to her. He was simply telling her that he was going to focus on making them work because it was true, that was exactly what he needed to do but he could see her face lighting up as he spoke and he didn't know why. He carried on though talking about how he wanted them to have a future and a good one and the next minute he knew she was saying yes, tentatively agreeing to what he was saying and then 'of course I will. It's a bit sudden but, yeah I'll marry you.'  
Robert didn't know what the fuck she was talking about, he was staring at her wide eyed for a few seconds and then she was wrapping her arms around him and...crying.

The timing of the misunderstanding couldn't have come at a worse time, the day before his birthday. Milly was even more excited about it and Robert dreaded she would tell everyone about it then. The whole BBQ idea had been a surprise for Robert and so was the guest list, apparently she had just invited anyone and Robert could have throttled her for being so fucking vague. He didn't really want to see Victoria because she would mention Aaron and try and suss out how Robert felt and he was sure that he would crumble and let out all his emotions. And Aaron of course, Milly had talked about him every so often and he would probably receive an invite, but Robert didn't want him there. Not really. He didn't know if he could look him in the eye anymore, his best fucking friend. Robert hated it, he hated his feelings.

He arrived, of course he did. But he was without Johnny and Robert felt a bit better. He was smiling at him and carrying a present like always, he seemed lighter or something and Robert blamed it on the engagement news that would have made him happier. Shame he didn't feel any sort of glow about himself. He was wearing a shirt, top button undone and a rich navy colour. He was only twenty six but looked so mature, so independent and it made Robert almost squirm because only a few months ago he was a mess, Aaron was that teenager ago being teased and Robert was the valiant hero helping his best friend. Victoria had arrived too, she had thought about approaching Aaron and well...she didn't know what she would do but a part of her wondered if she could tell if he still...if he had those feelings for her brother still. She hadn't got the chance though, Victoria hadn't really seen Aaron properly since a few months ago when he was driving Aaron to one of those support sessions. They smiled and made small talk but that was it, she saw the worry in his eyes and hoped. But then apparently Johnny got sick and she hadn't seen him since, but she had heard about his engagement' of course she had heard.

"Happy birthday mate." Aaron was still smiling and then look across at Robert who was still staring at him, he cleared his throat choosing not to dwell on the look on Robert's face as he passed the gift over.

"Thanks..." Robert whispered before putting it aside and offering Aaron a drink.

"Er yeah I'll have a beer."

"No Johnny?" Robert said trying to hold back his bitterness, Jesus the man nearly died.

Aaron shook his head, "He's resting up, trying to race through everything and...well he just needs to take it easy."

Aaron looked around and suddenly saw Victoria watching them, he felt awkward and looked back at Robert, "So er...Milly?"

"She's around here somewhere..." Robert mumbled before looking at Aaron square in the face "Congratulations by the way, about the whole...you know the-"

"Engagement." Aaron butted in, he had to because it was hurting him to see Robert at least try to say it, it seemed to be hard for him.

"Yeah." Robert said dryly, "Dibs on best man," he added before chuckling.

Aaron shrugged his shoulders and pulled a face causing Robert to raise his eyebrows, "Only joking. Of course you are...when we actually..."

Robert bit his lip, "No rush then?" he said it quickly, with a sense of almost desperation in his voice.

"Nah...I mean he's older but, I mean we're happy...so we will just see how it goes and you know..." Aaron was babbling and Robert was noticing, what was he saying? There was no rush but why...why would they wait? Was Aaron happy? Was he really content or was he just saying all of it...?

Milly was walking towards them, snaking her arms around Robert's waist and pulling him closer, Aaron was standing there like a spare part until she spoke.

"So glad you could make it..." Milly smiled at Aaron and Aaron just nodded back because of course he would fucking make it, it was his best friends birthday "Mind if I borrow this one for a few minutes, we have a little something to say" she whispered before looking at Robert.

Aaron shook his head and watched as Milly dragged Robert towards their garden steps, clearly her throat as she looked down and tried to coax the crowd into being quiet.

"I just wanted to say happy birthday to Robert, it's been an eventful year and well...I'm glad I was able to be there for him..." Milly was clutching his hand and Robert was nodding his head whilst Aaron was mumbling things under his breath, 'like me you mean' he felt like shouting because he was the one who was called at the hospital, he was the one who told him to stop drinking. "But..well we have another little surprise don't we babe" Aaron suddenly looked up and saw Robert, his face red and filled with an emotion Aaron couldn't quite name. Robert gulped hard, he knew what was coming and he couldn't look at Aaron or Victoria.

Aaron felt sick, he was catching his breath as he heard the words.

'Engaged' ... 'Robert proposed'

He was holding it back all over again and he felt like an idiot because Robert hadn't even mentioned his engagement in conversation and yet Milly seemed to be very excited, as if it happened the other day. It did didn't it?

  
Everyone was clapping, he was clapping slowly too trying to keep up with everyone. His eyes met Victoria's and he suddenly dived towards the small table, pushing another bottle down within seconds and then staring back at his best friend. He was smiling but with his mouth and not his eyes, his eyes looked confused and somewhat frustrated. He was.

He wanted to tell Aaron himself but Milly was Milly and he couldn't be angry with her after simply being excited about telling people they were engaged. With no ring in sight, she didn't care.

 The afternoon turned into night and Aaron was now quite drunk, fairly merry after downing his weird uncalled for sorrows. He was feeling sorry for himself somehow and the the thought of Victoria given him anymore weird looks made him cringe. Then she was approaching him. Fuck.

"You alright?" Victoria said sweetly before backing away and studying Aaron noting he was drunk.

"Er...I'm fine...you?" Aaron said sluggishly, he was confused by Victoria's expression.

"So both you and Rob are engaged now, ain't that sweet?" Victoria said softly as she looked at Aaron again.

Aaron nodded his head quickly, "Too right." He said.

"And that's good and happy and wonderful right?" Victoria was edging closer to him.

"What?"

"You're happy with Johnny, right?" Victoria blurted out causing Aaron to nod his head "Because...I think Robert might be happy with Milly now...and I don't want...your friendship to fuck things up for you both."

Aaron nodded his head slowly, she must have known something or other. Did Robert say something to her.

"Me...and me best mate...we're fine...he's getting married - he - he proposed." Aaron said drunk now, really not knowing what to say.

Robert suddenly squeezed a hand on Aaron's back and he was pulling him away from Victoria. He needed to know what he thought about all of it.

"Hey..." Robert said nervously as he looked at the bottle of beer in Aaron's hand and sighed hard, shit Aaron was rarely drunk. He had this amazing self control most of the time.

"Suggers...you got engaged and didn't bother to tell me!" Aaron said merrily.

Robert gulped hard, "Yeah I know...I was going to-"

"Are you in love with her?" Aaron blurted out, clear as fucking day.

Robert ignored the initial thought in his mind screaming no. He wasn't in love with her, he never had felt in love with her really but he would do anything for her and he respected her and cared for her - he just didn't feel that feeling he should.

"I - Aaron why are you asking me?"

"Because you proposed to her you prick! So I need to know-"

"Why? Why...what will you get from it eh? I thought we weren't doing this shit anymore." Robert was frustrated because he could sense an argument coming along, he wasn't in the mood for a major bust up.

Aaron slugged back more of his beer before sighing, "You're not. I can tell...I know you Robert!"

"I don't know! I don't know if I'm in love because I never have been, how am I supposed to fucking know!" Robert was shouting and suddenly thankful that he yanked Aaron further enough away from the others.

"You know, you'll know...you just...nothing changes...but it does in a way...you feel the same around them but...but you smile more because you know that you're in love, you don't just love them, you're deep in love with them and their problems aren't just theirs to you...their yours...their yours and you don't mind."

Aaron hated how he thought of Robert and not Johnny as he tried to get his point across. It had worked though and by the look of it Robert had had some sort of realisation. Some fucking realisation that he didn't feel that way at all.

"Fuck off Aaron, didn't realise you were a love guru!" Robert exclaimed, half expecting Aaron to push him over for shouting.

Aaron bit his lip and sighed, "Why propose. Why propose when you didn't..."

"I don't want to hear this shit." Robert babbled trying to dart his eyes away.

"Listen to-" Aaron said before fidgeting with his hoodie.

"Well considering you're a fucking expert -" Robert attempted to push past Aaron overwhelmed by everything.

"Don't marry her," Aaron mumbled before nearly toppling over one side. He was drunk but speaking the truth, he wanted to shout it from the rooftops. Robert couldn't marry someone he wasn't in love with.

Robert wanted to run away and run straight into Aaron's arms at the same time. He wanted to pretend he hadn't heard but beg Aaron to say it over and over again.

"You what?" Robert stammered as he looked at Aaron.

Aaron walked towards Robert and brushed his hand over Robert's soft blazer sending shivers down Robert's spine.

"I know what you're doing...you're fucking settling." Robert shook his head desperately "And I remember Robert Sugden once told me...he would never settle."

Robert shook his head again as he recalled when he had said the words.

"I'm...I'm using my fucking brain Aaron! I'm not some young buck anymore...I'm gonna be thirty next year, and I won't be alone. I won't be unmarried and unloved..."

The words feel from Robert's mouth and instantly sent Aaron's insides into a whirlwind, he was bursting into flames and feeling every emotion humanly possible.

Aaron was telling himself to walk away but his feet were dragging closer and he was suddenly saying, "You wouldn't have been alone, I said I'd marry you remember?"

Robert yanked his head up and tried to clear his mind, allowing the memory to hit him like a tonne of bricks. Since giving up alcohol memories were easier to replay in his mind and suddenly he was thankful for his sharp mind, he was thinking back to his - 

-  _nineteenth birthday. Ten fucking years ago. He was drunk and wallowing in self pity. Aaron was there like always. He was moaning about not ever getting married and thinking about being alone, his weird mind telling him that thirty was somehow the cut off point. It was his naive silly mind, but it had stuck - that mentality that he had to meet someone, fall in love and marry so quickly within a time limit._

Aaron had told Robert he would marry him, he would be there for him if no one else was, they would have a paper to prove it...he remembered and he smiled and felt like an idiot. Aaron obviously remembered so why hadn't he ever reminded him?

"Stop being so desperate to find love Robert, stop settling for what you think is okay, be fucking happy...go out, meet someone and fall in love. Please don't...don't marry her and then look back...ten years down the line and feel nothing but regret." Aaron blabbed trying to make Robert see sense. Robert felt his heart ache, Aaron wanted him to be so happy.

Robert cupped Aaron's face the way he always did, "You're the best fucking mate in the world." He sighed before clinging onto Aaron for dear life and not wanting to let go. The memory had warmed his insides.

Aaron bit his lip before hugging Robert back, the space between them was tiny.

"Happy birthday mate." He whispered before letting go again creating a bigger space in more ways than one.

 

 

**_ 30 _ **

 

 

_'It's me, and I'm calling because I'm on my way...I'm coming and I finally know. I know and I just want to see you on your birthday because I think...it's about time we settle that deal right?'_

 

Milly had been off with Robert since that night, he hadn't known why until a few days later. Apparently Victoria had dropped poison in her ear, enough to make her have serious doubts about her boyfriend and his feelings. To say they parted on good terms was an exaggeration, but it was hardly the slinging match he feared. In the end she said she wasn't ready to marry Robert and Robert told her the same, the difference being she wasn't ready...yet. Robert was definite though, she wasn't the one and although it sounded cheesy and childish, Aaron had been right - he wasn't going to settle.

He was alone when she left though, alone and unloved at twenty nine. He was going to be thirty and...and he was a fucking mess. He was tempted to do bad things, like drinking again or gambling all of his money away but he didn't - instead he called his best friend. Again and again and he would tell him all about how lonely he felt because he was single and scared of always been that way. Robert was selfish again, he was offloading to Aaron without a care in the world until...  
Aaron fucking cracked.

Johnny was become edgy and snappy about work, and suddenly Aaron he wasn't liking him much on most days, he loved him but he didn't like him. Then Robert would ring, he would call and tell his best mate about how terrible things were and Aaron couldn't just drop things with Johnny. He was only one call away but it felt like an eternity.

He couldn't handle anything anymore and suddenly his mind was forever on Robert just like he was younger, the feelings he had were back with vengeance and although they nearly really left, they were just too much to ignore now. He couldn't lie, he couldn't marry Johnny and he knew it and now Robert was alone and...fuck his best friend needed him. He really did.

"I can't do this, Johnny I'm so fucking sorry but I can't..."

Aaron wasn't expecting Johnny's reaction, was it safe to say...relief? Suddenly Johnny was blurting out that he wanted to see the world, that the whole cancer thing had made him realise he couldn't settle down and marry. It made sense and although it ached slightly to see them part ways after so long, it was kind and honest.

Robert stepped up as a friend for Aaron after it all, he was shocked to hear that Aaron had ended things because he wasn't ready to marry him. His mind couldn't help but race back to his birthday and how easily Aaron had managed to tell him he would marry him. It didn't make sense, but in a way it did. Maybe. To say that Aaron entered a state of almost depression was a fucking understatement, a big one.

It was as if the calming presence of Johnny being in his life, suddenly disappearing had destroyed that little bit of peace he once had. He was drifting and almost forgetting everything good and true in his life. Robert had known that his best mate was slipping slowly and he hated how he couldn't manage to bring him away from his thoughts at all. Even on Aaron's birthday, even after the cards and presents from his family, even after hugging and watching films - Aaron still felt the same. It was almost an empty feeling that not even Robert could fix, not even the touch of his best mate could draw him away from his negativity. Robert was stung because he could only believe that his best mate was regretting ending things with Johnny and that was why he was so distant and troubled. On the night of his birthday, Robert kissed Aaron hard on the lips to try and take him away from his dark thoughts. Aaron hardly flinched and it cut Robert to the core. Aaron said sorry and stayed, he stayed that night and the night after and the night after until he was practically living with Robert. His best fucking mate.

"Thank you for not leaving me." Aaron mumbled one night and Robert almost cried with Aaron who had suddenly become so emotional it hurt.

"You're my best mate, always..." Robert had replied simply.

Robert had got the offer, an offer he put in almost a year ago for a job down in London. Him and Milly were thinking of moving there but he was hardly confident he would even be considered. He had been turned down just before his twenty ninth and he had forgotten all about it until it had arrived that day. An opening, a deadline to answer and that sick feeling growing in his mind. He couldn't leave Aaron, he couldn't abandon his best mate. He wouldn't.

That night before Robert's thirtieth birthday he was feeling nostalgic, memories filled his mind as he sat in the flat he now sorta shared with his best mate. He pulled out a framed photo of him and Aaron, the one he had looked at before he got into that car that time, the one where they were staring at each other. Aaron had given it to him the year before and he had only looked at it after Aaron was out of sight. It was warm and loving and reminded him of his youth.

Aaron had gotten better, he had been more high in spirit and better with dealing with things. He had finally been able to explain the fact that he felt as though Johnny was the only definite sturdy thing in his life and now he had lost that he felt off balance. He had said it was hard to explain but he had got help, real help that managed to make things better. Robert was happy, he loved Aaron - he really did.

"What's this?" Aaron said as he walked towards Robert clutching the crumpled up acceptance letter for that fucking job.  
Shit.

"Why didn't you reply? Didn't you want it?" There was fire in Aaron's voice and Robert welcomed it, he had missed it terribly.

"Because I...because-" Robert babbled.

"Me? Was it because of me?" Aaron asked. He fucking knew.

"I wanted to be there for my best mate...I wanted to help you, what's the harm in that?" Robert said standing up and pulling at Aaron.

Aaron shook his head slowly, "You did that for me?" He whispered. Robert was being selfless, he was mirroring Aaron's behaviour in the past. He was being...acting on those feelings wasn't he?

Robert cupped Aaron's face and Aaron caught his breath, like fucking always.

"I love you Aaron...of course I would..." He said effortlessly, like fucking always.

"It's more than that Robert...it's more..." Aaron whispered softly stroking Robert's cheek and willing for him to have the same feelings, the feelings that Robert always said he would never feel.

"You're right...you're always fucking right aren't you Dingle?" Aaron chuckled and suddenly felt himself welling up.

Robert gulped hard. He knew what his best friend was trying to say and he was almost feeling sick with...apprehension. He had thought those feelings he feared for years, he had always known that he was....that he didn't just love Aaron the way he used to go on about.

_If I mouth these words when I crash and burn will you take me still?_

...he was "I...I'm in love with you Aaron. I always have been. I wanted to fucking ignore it all though 'cos you were my best friend. I...tried to look elsewhere for something that was right under my fucking nose and I...I should have known that what we had was more...I was just fucking scared Aaron, so scared but I'm...I'm in love, and you're right, it feels the same but now I can fucking smile a bit more eh? Because even though you're my best friend...I fucking love the bones of you, I'm in love with you Aaron...shit sorry I just said -"

Aaron was there, launching into him and pulling him closer, so hungry for more and more of Robert's taste and feeling overwhelmed with nothing but love and admiration and fucking relief. After years, years of doubt and uncertainty. He had that calm again, he had Robert in his life.

They were fumbling and falling and then...fucking. Robert was wrapping himself around Aaron and he was making him blush that way again, the way he did when he was a teenager. Robert was nervous as he lay by Aaron naked and wanting and then Aaron was there, Aaron was always there whispering his love and reassurance and making them one as he slid into him and took control of a fumbling Robert.

Nearly thirty fucking years old and a crumbling mess of a man when it came to having sex, but he had reason because as he was kissing Aaron, sucking on him and making him groan as they moved as one...he was all the while sleeping with his best friend. He was causing Aaron to groan and pant as he came into Robert, he was the one responsible for it all and he was almost life changing. He was high, and he was Aaron's and that was all.

 

::

 

Robert had never woken with such a feeling, he was thirty, he was Aaron's and he was smiling like an idiot. Of course it was cut short though...Aaron wasn't beside him anymore, his clothes were gone, the shower silent. His heart gave way as he sat there and sobbed, he could sense something was wrong and he was right - Aaron was gone.

"Aaron...where are you? Please come back....we need to talk."

"Aaron come back to mine, where are you? I need you Aaron."

Third time...

"Hello?" It was dialling and Robert was a mess.

"Hello" Aaron mumbled, "Robert I'm sorry..." he was crying, Robert could tell.

"About what? Last night?" Robert's mind was back to their bodies last night crashing into each other.

"No...no way, I'm just scared Robert. I'm scared of...us."Aaron didn't know how else to put it.

"Why? We're still us, you're still my best friend and I'm still that blonde arsehole you love." Robert chuckled and he could hear Aaron laughing too, he felt his heart burst.

"Give me a few hours yeah...then I'll come back..." Aaron mumbled. He needed to sort his head out. Robert tried not to act crushed but he was, he wanted Aaron on his birthday.

Victoria had given him vouchers and it was wise, he still hadn't forgiven her for ruining things with him and Milly but he knew it was for the best. Diane had bought him a nice tie and shirt sorta combo that he appreciated and Andy and Katie had surprisingly given him a nice thirty pint glass that he liked. Aaron though...god just him coming back would have been enough, he would always be enough.

Robert didn't want to look but he did. A voicemail from Aaron:

_'It's me, and I'm calling because I'm on my way...I'm coming and I finally know. I know and I just want to see you on your birthday because I think...it's about time we settle that deal right?'_

Deal? Shit, he knew. Robert was unmarried at thirty and in need of love and Aaron was it for him, he was a best friend and a lover in one and he was complete now wasn't he.

Aaron came through the doors, smile on his face and presents in his hands. He was out of breathe and Robert imagined him racing back, running down the streets to see Robert again and it made him smile.

"What's all this?" Robert chuckled as Aaron rushed towards him, resting his hands on Robert's shoulders.

"You didn't think I forgot? It's your birthday? Happy birthday." Aaron said before kissing Robert lightly on the mouth.

Robert was smiling like an idiot again but he couldn't help it. Of course Aaron had remembered his birthday. Aaron stroked Robert's face again,

"That night, when I said it felt weird kissing you, I lied. It felt so right, just like last night. It feels righ being with you because...I'm in love with you Robert. I always have been. When we kids, when I was the only gay bloke in the village and you were my best mate, since then, since you first pushed that Daniel bloke away from me when he was being a little prick..."

Robert scoffed as he remembered Aaron being that scared twitchy sixteen year old. The one he found interesting, the one he would do anything for.

"The one with the freckles?" He smiled as he recalled pushing the specky git to the ground in one swift swing.

Aaron chuckled, "Yeah..." he held onto Robert's hand "I promise I'll never let you down or...or walk out like I did this morning..." Aaron whispered into Robert before pulling away and looking at Robert, he was almost crying.

"As if I'd ever let you fucking go again eh?" Robert whispered back "I love ya...you know that."

Aaron sniffed, "I know."

"And, you're still my best mate...I'll just casually enjoy doing more of what we did last night though yeah," Robert whispered into Aaron's ear before playfully biting it.

Aaron made it special, like always he made it special and Robert was quickly realising that it had been the happiest birthday he had ever had. It was so normal and relaxing and everything they both needed.

Robert bit his lip and smiled, "Now about that deal?" He asked softly as he rested against Aaron on the sofa.

Aaron blushed bright red, "What about it?"

"Well I'm thirty...and you said you'd marry me if I wasn't already...remember?"

"Course I do." Aaron sighed playfully and smiled.

"Well then?"

"Well what?"

Robert rolled his eyes and looked straight at Aaron catching him off guard. Aaron sighed and suddenly darted across the room to the only bag he had left behind when giving Robert's his presents.

"Fine..." He sighed as he returned to the sofa, "Since you asked so nicely..."

It was small red box, inside a band, silver and shiny and Jesus Aaron wasn't fucking around.

Robert caught his breath, "I didn't think you'd actually..."

"I mean God I know we're not even...it's just...whenever...you know..." 

"I...I thought you weren't ready for marriage?" Robert had to make sure, he had to.

Aaron suddenly thought back to Johnny, "Yeah...with him. 'Cos to be honest, I was already someone else's..." He said before raising his eyebrows and looking at Robert.

The air was silent for just a second and Aaron never had to look away but Robert was smiling.

"Just tryna keep up my end of the deal here mate." Aaron said nervously.

"Charming." Robert giggled before deciding it was time to put his best mate out of his misery.Aaron was a wreck, nervous and shaking...

"Robert Jacob Sugden..." he was trembling with fear, "I mean...Suggers."

Robert chuckled softly, "That's more like it." He said edging forward.

"Suggers...will you...will you marry me?" He said tentatively.

"Course I will..." Aaron looked up in shock and uttered the words, "Yeah?" in disbelief.

"Yes. Yeah, of course I fucking will." Robert threw his arms around Aaron and held him like that for as long as he could. He was getting married to his best mate, would could possibly be better than that?

Best birthday ever.

 

::

 

 

 

 

They didn't wait. They got married that summer, back in Emmerdale of course with the Dingles and the Sugdens joining together again for the ceremony. Chas was shocked, but surprisingly Cain wasn't and neither was Diane. They had known and Chas had been...well not as perceptive. Victoria was over the moon, in tears as they exchanged vows. They both managed to hold it together until that night, they cried into each other like fucking babies because they just couldn't believe how happy they both were, fucking finally.

Robert was still Robert - loud and sneaky and smart.

Aaron was still Aaron - caring, compassionate and selfless.

But now they were together, united in something more than just friendship. They would live their life's together, happy and content, still arguing about shit Robert did wrong and struggling with Aaron and his dark thoughts at times - but they would be together. Together, best friends for life, with a paper to prove their undying love too.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed this long messy fic ;)


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